Happy birthday, America!
We have a big party planned for you, with fireworks and barbecues and bands playing and lots of fun for your special day.
You are 235 years young. Compared with other countries such as England and China and France and Russia, you are but a strapping lad. Those guys are practically ancient civilizations.
But the truth is, you are no longer a new nation. You are not the child-state you once were. As you have grown into a mature country, we have been filled with a parent’s pride. There are, however, duties and obligations that come with that maturity.
America, it is time to put away the playthings of your childhood, time to reconsider the follies of your youth. You must start acting your age. I am sure you don’t want to hear another lecture (Young man, I’m talking to you!), but think of this as your graduation commencement address. I hope you begin thinking about your place in the world and what you might to grow into after your birthday bash.
Let’s start with:
Infatuation with “ism”s: Every few decades, you manage to get yourself entangled with some philosophy from the wrong side of the tracks. These torrid affairs always end badly.
Every adolescent goes through this phase. You see a pretty ideology from across the room. She bats her big, blue eyes at you, and you fall head over heels. As any more experienced country will tell you, these infatuations are merely a passing fancy. They are not the makings of solid, long-lasting philosophies.
Your parents made sure you had a good upbringing and a Constitution that sets up some fine parameters for you to live by. How about avoiding the passionate flings with these isms and instead work toward being more pragmatic, more practical, even more technocratic?
Infrastructure: As a younger nation, you could party all over the world, intervening in other nations’ affairs, and still make it to work on time the next day. But you’ve really allowed yourself to go to pot.
You need to start taking better care of yourself. Your interstate highway system was once the envy of the world. You crisscrossed the nation with railroad tracks well over a century ago. Your bridges and tunnels were second to none, and your naval ports handled more tonnage than any three nations combined. You discovered electricity, invented the light bulb, strung electrical wires coast to coast. You invented air travel and opened airports in every major city.
Now look at you: Your roads are pitted, your bridges are falling down and your airports look like they belong in a third-world nation. You call that a naval port? Not only do they look like junkyards, they are still a gaping security concern. And don’t get me started on your electrical grid! It is creaky, inefficient and vulnerable to cyberattack.
While you were getting flabby, the rest of the world was hitting the gym. Most of Europe and nearly all of Asia are in much better condition. Even emerging nations such as India and Singapore have better airports, wireless telecom and broadband Internet.
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