When one spouse can’t have sex, the other should ______. Discuss.

From a reader: “Difficult situation. My spouse and I have been married for 25-plus years. We get along great, share common interests, allow each other time, are very supportive of each other and we do okay financially. There’s one big problem. Due to Spouse’s health problem there is 0 intimacy in our marriage and hasn’t been any for over eight years. I’ve brought it up on occasion, and basically get the response, ‘If I can’t get any, I guess you can’t either.’

“I’m tired, frustrated and at wits’ end. I haven’t stepped out yet, but I’m getting there. I’m to the point of going to Spouse and saying, ‘Look, I understand your problems but a major part of me is lost and I need to find it again. If I can’t find it with you, then I need to find it elsewhere. I’ll be discreet, I’ll take precautions, but I need this for me.’

“Is this a good idea to address with spouse, or should I just go and do it? If you were the spouse with the debilitating condition, would you want to have this conversation? How do you think you would react? Any other reactions and input would be greatly appreciated.

“I have no intentions of leaving my spouse, but I need to rediscover that part of me that’s been missing for so long.”

Difficult indeed. What do you think?

- Carolyn Hax