Pun and ink: 38 gems sifted from 500 contests

Mess With Our Heads, our perennial contest for a “bank head” reinterpreting an actual Post headline:
Post head: Compelling Body of Art
Bank head: Simon Explains Real Reason for Reunion With Garfunkel (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City, Md., Week 583, 2004)

NASA Breaks Ground With Craft/ Next Time, Agency Plans to Point Rocket Skyward (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va., Week 583)

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American’s Dream Comes True/ Man, 37, Shows Up Naked and Totally Unprepared for Meeting (Michael Levy, Silver Spring, Md., Week 756, 2008)

Ask Backwards, our perennial contest in which we give a list of answers and you give the questions:
A. Dick Cheney but not a training bra. Q. What needs wiring to provide chest support? (Michael Kidwell, Silver Spring, Md., Week 497, 2003)

Week 516 (2003): Unwise things to say in given situations: To a waiter: “You call this lemonade, jerko? It’s barely yellow! Bring me some better stuff!” (Milo Sauer, Fairfax, Va.)

Week 519 (2003): Only-in-Washington pickup lines: Your beauty renders me as powerless as Del. Eleanor Holmes Norton. (Cindy Burnham, Alexandria, Va.)

Week 531 (2003), inspirational statements turned cynical: You can do anything if you want it bad enough. That is why we see so many people who can fly. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)

Week 532 (2003), four-word movie pans of a movie or other work:
“I Am Curious (Yellow)”: It was meaty (ocher) (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

“The Sound of Music”: DOA, dear. (Jeffrey Scharf, Burke, Va.)

Week 537 (2004): Write an irresponsibly sensationalistic headline for an actual Post story: 60 KILOTONS OVER PYONGYANG! (actual headline: “U.S. Sending 60,000 Tons of Food to N. Korea”) (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)

Week 547 (2004), things an existing brand name would be bad for: Wachovia is a good name for a bank but a bad name for a cemetery. (Michael Cisneros, Centreville, Va.)

Week 551 (2004), feed a phrase into Google’s translation tool, then translate the results into English:
Original: I am the worst president elected ever.
Back from French: I am the worst president never elected. (Kevin N. Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.)

Week 557 (2004): The difference between two people with a common element in their names: Marilyn Monroe vs. Marilyn Quayle: One reputedly slept with Jack Kennedy, and the other has slept with . . . well, he’s no Jack Kennedy. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

Week 568 (2004): Groaner puns on book titles:Did you hear that the school system demanded a PC version of the Harper Lee novel? “Tickle a Mockingbird.” (Wayne Rodgers, Satellite Beach, Fla.)

Week 580 (2004), combine two countries: The Netherlands + Fiji = Netheriji: I don’t know much about it; I’ve been warned since age 12 not to play with Netherijians. (Brendan Beary)

Week 608 (2005): Snappy answers to rude questions: Do you play basketball? No, do you sumo-wrestle? (Six-foot-tall Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.)

Week 648 (2006): Stupid questions for product hotlines: To Unilever Corp. “Why do your Dove Bars taste like soap?” (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

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