Those who see themselves reflected in ABC’s hit generation-spanning sitcom know the holidays are a time to celebrate clan dysfunction — maybe drape it in some twinkle lights, then fight over who gets to put the star on top. Though your kin may not be as telegenic as the Pritchetts and Dunphys (the women, at least), they’re probably just as wacky and difficult to buy for. Good luck! May we suggest drawing names?
» A Long Story
Serve pigs in a blanket on a tray showing a whimsically elongated dog that could never exist in nature. Wait, that’s a dachshund ($45 for two, RCKNDY, 1515 U Street NW; 202-332-5639).
» Color Forms
If one were to, say, eat crayons, Clementine’s all-natural, non-toxic soy versions are the way to go ($6, Home Rule, 1807 14th St. NW; 202-797-5544).
Alphabet blocks by Fred instill solid suburban values — such as lawn care, power tools and carbohydrates — into the innocent ($34, RCKNDY, 1515 U Street NW; 202-332-5639).
» See You In Shell
Squirrels — always running in front of cars. This less-annoying one cracks nuts and isn’t alive ($17, Hill’s Kitchen, 713 D St. SE; 202-543-1997).
» Hunks of Burning Love
This Iconography Dream Team brings together several major belief systems for maximum peace and prosperity ($45 for the set, Art with Flowers, 1750 U International Drive, McLean; 703-903-6837).
» It’s All Inside
The BoxeeBox is the supreme overlord of all TV-related gifts. The gizmo streams video from a vast array of sources ($199, Amazon.com).
» Knit Fit
Gender-type early and often with a pretty-pretty-princess cardigan ($74, Piccolo Piggies, 1533 Wisconsin Ave. NW; 202-333-0123).
» Comfort Animal
Swap a tattered blankie for a stuffed creature made by the Hmong in Vietnam (The Textile Museum, $12, 2320 S St. NW; 202-667-0441).
» Many Happy Returns
Fred’s Wooferang comes back only if you have an animal servant, or “pet,” to fetch it ($13, Amazon.com).
» Hi, Robot!
Aww, that’s so cute. The wittle wobot wants to kill all humans! We’re going to take you home and put you on our tree ($9, Home Rule, 1807 14th St. NW; 202-797-5544)!
» Throw Much Fun
Choose a letter or symbol and emblazon a customized wool felt pillow ($85-$145, Red Barn Mercantile, 113 S. Columbus St., Alexandria; 703-838-0355).
Written by Express’ Katherine Boyle, Jennifer Barger, and Holly Morri
Photo by Danny Feld/ABC