I’m not sure exactly what you mean by “out of it” — is he uninterested? Distracted? Mesmerized by the sight of linebackers in tights?
If his interest in sex is flagging, he might benefit from a checkup to see whether there are physical causes for this. If it’s more that he’s into it and you’re not into him, you have some work to do. Increasing communication, doing some soul-searching about what you need (and asking for it), and even scheduling date nights and getaways can be helpful. Research also shows that trying something new and adrenaline-producing together (even outside of the bedroom) can reinvigorate romantic attraction. From skydiving to just a new walking regimen, small rushes can reignite sparks — and after 30 years, you owe it to both of you to try, toys or no toys.
Takes More Than Money to Be Dad
My daughter’s father and I have been separated for almost a year. Since the court ordered him to pay child support, he does. But he doesn’t do anything else. He was given visitation, but he doesn’t adhere to the agreement. And he’s made it very clear that if he can’t make our relationship work and he’s not going to do anything to help (like pick the baby up from school when I’m running late from work, even though he works five minutes away). What do I do? -Lost in D.C.
I’m no family law attorney (though I did once mediate a stuffed-animal custody battle), but if your daughter’s father is not adhering to the visitation schedule, he may eventually forfeit some of his rights.
From a psychological perspective, it sounds like he may never be the kind of father that you’d hope him to be, and right now he’s unwilling to put his child’s needs above his resentment. You’ll have to learn to accept this and his limits without adding toxicity to the situation or turning your daughter against him. It’s an uphill battle, but you’d be well served by some community support groups for women in your same boat.