After the End of the Affair

I ended an affair with a co-worker (married with children). I have no intention of letting anyone know, and if he wants to go on with his marriage, so be it. But I don’t want to work with him any longer. He’s very upset by this because he thinks it will be “traceable” to what happened between us. He’s worried that if I leave, people will speculate and know that something went on. I feel resentful of him trying to control what I do, but I also don’t want to do anything rash. -Over It

The best way to guarantee that no one finds out about an affair is to not have one, so I’m not feeling sympathy for him here. If it’s best for you emotionally to leave the job, leave the job. But think about whether that feels like the most autonomous thing for you to do, and make sure you didn’t get steamrolled or treated inappropriately in this situation. It’s not up to you to put out the fires of speculation, given his role in creating them.

Of course, my greatest hope for you is that as you leave this job, you’ll move toward healthier relationships, in which you have a chance of getting what you need.

Social Butterfly Is Causing a Flap

My husband and I both work long hours and have a 5-year-old. It’s become clear that we unwind very differently. When the weekend comes, I want to cocoon with my family and spend time together in our home. My husband likes to plan events and invite people over. Every time Friday rolls around, I’m gearing up for battle and begging just to veg and hang out with our kid. Help me find the middle here. -Tired, VA

Since you have two days in a weekend, a logistical compromise can be relatively simple: one day for cocooning, one day for social butterfly-ing. If he wants to participate in two events on two different days, then, in general, that should mean that other than those two activities, the rest of the days are low-key.

This can’t always work, especially with a 5-year-old, who can get more party invitations than the president. So revisit your expectations in terms of social events: Can your husband ever go by himself? Is he taking responsibility for the effort that goes into having people over? Ideally, at the beginning of each week, he prioritizes one or two events, cuts the rest out, and together you outline your schedule.

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