I’m a single gay man in love with my best friend. I always find myself thinking about him and wanting to be around him. I get so jealous when he’s hanging around other people. I’ve tried not talking to him and being a complete a-hole, but I always apologize so I can be around him again. I would never want to lose his friendship, but I can’t help but want more. -Secretly Hoping
Ultimately, it comes down to a realistic analysis of your odds (Has he given you any signals? Do you have any trusted friends in common who could give you an honest assessment?) and a cost-benefit analysis. Which would bother you more in five years: that you might have had a romantic chance with him but never took the risk to find out — even though your friendship remains intact — or that the friendship fizzled because things got weird when you went for it?
Each way has pros and cons, of course, and there’s the (fingers crossed!) chance that neither will matter since perhaps it’s meant to be. Good luck! Either way, I’d recommend nixing the a-hole scheme. That won’t get you anywhere, friend or boyfriend.
Stupid Actions But Smart Choice
Just wanted to state my views on the woman who wrote about her (ended) affair with her co-worker [on Nov. 22]. This woman needs to take responsibility for her stupid actions. The married man was wrong to cheat on his wife, but this woman is also wrong for having an affair with him. If she leaves the job, then her employer is paying for her mistakes. Did this woman really believe it was going to end better? -Annoyed
I’m a big believer in the two-to-tango concept. But people have the right to leave their jobs and start fresh for their own personal or professional development, and perhaps part of her growing up involves doing just that. And we don’t know what he led her to believe or what kind of power dynamics were at work. Of course, she probably believed it would end better — most people don’t go into a relationship fantasizing about its fiery and nauseating demise. Did she make a mistake? Certainly, and she’s to blame for her fair share. But sticking it out at a workplace where she isn’t comfortable — and where she probably won’t be a particularly functional or efficient co-worker — won’t be good for anyone.