Cut to the Chaste

November 30, 2011

“Virgin Diaries” (TLC, premieres Sun. at 9 p.m.) is a reality show about TV’s most neglected demographic: adult virgins. Affianced Ryan, 31, and Shanna, 28, are sexual virgins and kissing-on-the-mouth virgins! Roomies Lisa, Danielle and Tamara are all virgins — except Tamara is a “reclaimed virgin,” which means she’s hit a dry spell. Pudgy, bald, bearded virgin Carey, 35, makes delicious fudge and TELLS HIS MOTHER HE IS A VIRGIN so she can give him tips for an upcoming date.

Here’s what this show has taught me about virgins:

If a girl tells a blind date that she’s a virgin, his eyes will go like this: (oo)

Virgins have standards. “I have the right to be picky,” says the fudge maker, who spurns a lady who climbs upon him at a bar.

Virgins have an interesting take on sexual behavior. When the kissing virgins finally kiss, they look like slobbering vampires trying to EAT EACH OTHER ALIVE! Then, they have sex. She: “painful.” He: “wasn’t really like the movies.”

Here’s what I don’t understand: Why lose your REALITY SHOW VIRGINITY before losing your ACTUAL VIRGINITY?

Marc Silver has been watching TV since the days when people wrapped aluminum foil around TV antennae to improve reception.
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