Cut to the Chaste

“Virgin Diaries” (TLC, premieres Sun. at 9 p.m.) is a reality show about TV’s most neglected demographic: adult virgins. Affianced Ryan, 31, and Shanna, 28, are sexual virgins and kissing-on-the-mouth virgins! Roomies Lisa, Danielle and Tamara are all virgins — except Tamara is a “reclaimed virgin,” which means she’s hit a dry spell. Pudgy, bald, bearded virgin Carey, 35, makes delicious fudge and TELLS HIS MOTHER HE IS A VIRGIN so she can give him tips for an upcoming date.

Here’s what this show has taught me about virgins:

If a girl tells a blind date that she’s a virgin, his eyes will go like this: (oo)

Virgins have standards. “I have the right to be picky,” says the fudge maker, who spurns a lady who climbs upon him at a bar.

Virgins have an interesting take on sexual behavior. When the kissing virgins finally kiss, they look like slobbering vampires trying to EAT EACH OTHER ALIVE! Then, they have sex. She: “painful.” He: “wasn’t really like the movies.”

Here’s what I don’t understand: Why lose your REALITY SHOW VIRGINITY before losing your ACTUAL VIRGINITY?

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