Goodbye, Love

What to give the person you plan to break up with after the holidays

We may not approve of dragging out a breakup until after the holidays, but we can’t deny the rationale. If you don’t get it out of the way by Thanksgiving, it seems mean to do it just before Christmas, which rolls you right into New Year’s and Valentine’s Day. Which leaves you buying a present for someone you know won’t be around much longer. Really, you should just break up now. If you’ve resolved to stick this out through mid-February, we’ve got your back on gift ideas. Jerk.


A Farewell, With Arms

Giving a soon-to-be ex a body pillow seems thoughtful — you don’t want him to be lonely! Consider the following before you buy: 1. Before you break up, does it crowd into your bed with you? 2. After you break up, will your ex associate the pillow with you and thus either burn it or come to depend on it fully? It’s best to get one with some personality of its own. Sadly, Manllows, the Etsy store famed for its Edward Cullen body pillows, is all out, so we like this one that has an attached arm and hand ($35, Amazon.com).


It’s a Bird! It’s A Plane! It’s Bitterness!

The key to these gifts is to choose something that will ostensibly be useful but will actually annoy your unwanted mate so much she won’t miss you when you cut the cord — or better yet, when she cuts it herself. The flying alarm clock ($20, Thinkgeek.com) consists of a base and a propeller. When the alarm goes off, the latter leaps up in the air and falls somewhere in the vicinity of the clock. You can’t shut off the blaring alarm until you find the propeller and replace it in the base.


 

 

 

Ask the Answer Robot

The perfect gift for your not-for-long significant other is one that requires little care or expense. You don’t want her to feel bad about throwing it away when she hates your guts in a couple weeks. The Decision Maker ($16, Uncommongoods.com) is a weird red robot-looking thing that functions sort of like a Magic 8 Ball — the spinning hand of the robot points to one of eight answers to any question you ask it. Like, “Why did she leave me?” (Answer: “My sources say no.”)


 

 

Objectively Awful

Breakups vary. Maybe you feel bad about this one. And maybe you don’t, and you want to ruin his future dating life entirely. That’s when you break out the DVD of “Atlas Shrugged Part 1” ($15, Amazon.com). If that’s sitting on your ex’s shelf, anyone he brings home ever again — unless his date is insane, unfamiliar with economics or Paul Ryan, R-Wis. — will see it and quickly make an excuse to leave and never return his phone calls. Bonus: When he unwraps it, he may assume it’s indicative of your taste and break up with you on the spot. Problem solved!

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Christopher Porter · December 12, 2011