Depths of ‘Heights’

August 2, 2012

“Hollywood Heights” is a gift from Nick at Nite to lovers of truly bad TV.

The soap, airing weeknights at 9 p.m., is a masterpiece of inane plotting. There are teens who want to be rock stars and/or burglars, snippy young adults and horny parents.

James Franco occasionally portrays a “freakin’ genius” movie mogul. (Talk about typecasting.) No doubt, he was drawn to the brilliantly ludicrous dialogue. Some samples:

Clinic staffer Ellie and her boss just had sex in his office.

Ellie: “You’re saying you and I are involved?”

Boss: “Yes, in a way.”

Ellie: “I hope we can do this again soon.”

Singer Chloe confronts her bedraggled mom.

Chloe: “I’m embarrassed of you.”

Mom: “Your own mother?”

Chloe: “You don’t know the meaning of that word.”

This kind of dialogue doesn’t write itself. My theory is that a team of monkeys retypes the worst lines from scripts of past soap operas.

Even if “Heights” isn’t your kind of show, give credit where credit is due: With a cast of dozens of mediocre thespians, the series is doing its bit to lower the U.S. unemployment rate.

Marc Silver has been watching TV since the days when people wrapped aluminum foil around TV antennae to improve reception.
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Katie Aberbach · August 2, 2012