Don't Trust the Witch

February 14, 2013
"Really? I couldn't be reading this on an iPad?"
“Really? I couldn’t be reading this on an iPad?”

In “Beautiful Creatures,” opening Thursday, Lena (Alice Englert) is, like, totally stressing about her 16th birthday. Not because of a party, but because her magical powers will get claimed for either the Light or the Dark, and if she goes dark, she’s totally going to have to break up with her boyfriend. Film witches have never had it easy.

1. ‘Practical Magic’

Future Oscar winners Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman play magic-wielding sisters in this 1998 film; the problem is that any man they fall in love with dies. We’d suggest leaving that out of their OkCupid profiles.

2. ‘The Witches’

The most surprising thing about this 1990 adaptation of a Roald Dahl novel is not that witches exist, nor that they can turn kids into mice, but that witches have conventions. They probably get a great group rate.

3. ‘The Witches of Eastwick’

Some witches are born, and some witches are made by Jack Nicholson showing up and granting wishes — and then everything in this 1987 film goes to hell. Literally.

4. ‘The Wizard of Oz’

Witch-murderer Dorothy steals her victim’s shoes and then spends the rest of this 1939 snuff film trying to evade the authorities. Only the dead woman’s grieving sister can stop her! Then, ding dong, Dorothy kills her, too.

5. ‘The Craft’

A teenage coven learns that witchcraft can make you hot and popular and get you the guy you want in this 1996 thriller. Except, of course, it all turns out badly. Take note, aspiring teenage witches!

Kristen Page-Kirby covers film for The Washington Post Express.
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