‘Bible’ Told Me So

March 21, 2013

In the spirit of this holy season, with the holidays of Passover and Easter fast approaching, I didst layeth myself down in front of the magic box known as The Television and watch a series called “The Bible” (History Channel, Sundays, 8 p.m.). And from that show and the commercials that interrupted it I didst learn many wondrous things that somehow I never learned during the years I attended Sunday School.

I learned that flaming arrows were a really hot weapon in Biblical days.

I learned that Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, wore too much eyeliner but Cyrus, King of Persia, wore a more seemly amount.

I learned that the prophet Daniel, when tossed half-naked into the lion’s den, revealed a mighty six-pack, so clearly he had been working out.

I learned that before the invention of Facebook, the very sky above was a form of social media, as the birth of the “king of the Jews [was to be] announced from the heavens.”

I learned that Christianmingle.com, a dating service, will “find God’s match for you.”

And I learned that “ ‘The Bible’ is brought to you in part by Walmart.”

Marc Silver has been watching TV since the days when people wrapped aluminum foil around TV antennae to improve reception.
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