We've seen the Paris of the reality show and a jillion paparazzi snaps, both glamorous and misdemeanor-ous. We've heard the Paris of the recent album ("Paris"), we've read the autobiography (okay, not really), we've gawped at the infamous sex video and perused the clothing and jewelry lines.

That brings us to Paris Hilton's starring debut in "The Hottie & the Nottie," a nerd-meets-Paris romance that stars Her Itness and some other actors. The story goes like this: A nerd named Nate (Joel David Moore) has been obsessed with Cristabel (guess who) ever since age 6. Unable to find a satisfying relationship in adulthood, he moves to Santa Monica, where she lives, and begins wooing her, but quickly discovers that this romantic opportunity comes with a huge, hideous asterisk.

She is June (Christine Lakin), a troll of a woman with warts, excess body hair and rotting teeth that would be the envy of all Zombie-dom. Cristabel (the Hottie) is determined to find a man for her best friend (the Nottie) before she dates again. Nate's job is clear.

"Hottie" could have been a witty, playful affair in which love is played up against beauty and Hilton's larger-than-life presence is the inside joke at the heart of everything. But Nate's quest to end up with Cristabel is as hopeless as Wile E. Coyote's, forever chasing that elusive Road Runner. That he gets close enough even to befriend her is laughable. Like Nate, we are mere Notties. And we are supposed to feel oh-so privileged for getting to watch Paris through the glass.

-- Desson Thomson (February 8, 2008)

Contains profanity and crude and sexual content.