Dear fellow Obama apologists in the lapdog liberal media:
Tough times for us! Let’s face it, our task of being unquestioning cheerleaders for the president has become a bit more difficult; Obama is getting a little harder to defend, what with his seemingly feckless foreign policy, paralyzed domestic agenda, Nixonian hissy fits against leakers and whistleblowers, not to mention the fact that he probably has some 27-year-old security analyst reading this column in real time as I am writing it.
What we puny presidential tail-wagging Pomeranians need right now is something to ignite our indignation, to give us a rallying point, and I’m here today to provide it to you. All you have to do is get on Duane’s mailing list. I am, and it has revitalized me in enthusiastic defense of our commander in chief.
Duane Steil is an indignant private citizen in California who bombards me (and hundreds of other media and political types, including Sean Hannity, Bob Woodward, Steve Forbes, John McCain, Glenn Beck and, for some reason, Ed Koch, who is currently dead) with daily e-mails. Almost all of them are savaging the president for perceived sins of commission, sins of omission, sins presumed, sins suspected, sins supposed, sins imagined and sins invented. Duane’s e-mail feed is the place where Obama simply cannot catch a break, a place so dependent on the bedrock assumption of the man’s profound personal flaws and malign intent that no accusation, however preposterous, is deemed unlikely. It’s all a fabulous tool for bolstering loyalty among the likes of us. It’s like what happened last month when that Red Sox pitcher kept throwing at the odious, indefensible Alex Rodriguez. Eventually, Alex’s Yankees teammates started fighting for him.
In Duane’s e-mails, Obama is “Maobama.” He is “The Deceiver in Chief.” He is “Barry O’Conman.” He is a “Commie-leon,” which took me a while but appears to be a fusion of “Communist” and “chameleon.” He is the “Lying, Cheating, Stealing Hoax-In-Chief.” His aides are “Brown Shirts.” Duane’s headlines are all spectacular: “Sociopath Obama’s Undeclared World War.” “Bumbling Fools or Lying A-Holes?”
Many of Duane’s communiques are passing along something someone else has written, and of which Duane approves. These items are not policed for truth with the same standards of care typical of, say, the Journal of the American Medical Association. One item criticized the liberal, secular editors of the National World War II Memorial — typical Obama-ites — for having cravenly deleted a reference to the deity from a line delivered by FDR after Pearl Harbor, obviously as part of a War on Christianity. This turned out to be not entirely true, but only in the sense that the original FDR line did not, in fact, contain a reference to the deity.
My favorite event in the great Duane Steil news feed occurred just the other day, when everyone on Duane’s mailing list learned about Barack Obama’s secret “gay history.” It’s all very detailed! It turns out that in 1999, a convicted drug dealer and check-kiter flew into Chicago and asked his cabdriver where he could obtain some good cocaine and hot gay companionship. The driver knew just where and made a phone call. Soon, Barack Obama arrived!
At the time, Mr. Obama was a high-profile state senator and was weighing a run for Congress, but he was apparently also down to party with this stranger who looks and sounds like — I mean no offense here — Peter Lorre from “Casablanca,” only a little more oily. The guy gave Obama $250, and Obama went off and copped some cocaine, which the guy then snorted. Then Obama pulled out a big rock of crack and smoked it in the cab while the Peter Lorre guy performed a sex act on him! Can it be that Obama is gay? Well, there are apparently even more people who have evidence of the president’s gayness, according to the account, but Obama and his cronies have had most of them murdered.
Duane doesn’t seem to doubt any of this. I bet Bob Woodward and Ed Koch are all over it.
For stories, features such as Date Lab, @Work Advice and more, visit WP Magazine.
Follow the Magazine on Twitter.
Like us on Facebook.
E-mail us at email@example.com.