Let’s be honest. There hasn’t been an interesting national political convention since 1976.
But at a minimum, this year’s conventions will give us guns, strippers, a sexual harassment scandal and a traffic apocalypse. That’s not bad.
Dana Milbank’s don’t-miss guide to the 2012 Republican and Democratic national conventions
Illustration Andy Friedman
There will be plenty to discover when the Republicans go to Tampa on Aug. 27 and the Democrats to Charlotte on Sept. 3 beyond the obvious conclusion: that both parties picked really awful places to visit during the summer. Whether you’re attending the conventions or — lucky you — following them from afar, here’s what to watch for. This, therefore, is your indispensable guide to the 2012 conventions.
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TAMPA
Welcome to the Wild West
Delegates will want to pack a few essentials for the GOP convention in this bayside town: sunscreen, a bathing suit and a sidearm. This promises to be the Wild West of political conventions: Participants are invited to pack heat.
Florida, like many Southern states, has a generous concealed-carry law, which means that if you look at the people on your right and your left, chances are they will be armed. For this reason, you might not want to look at the people on your right and your left, lest they think you are looking at them funny.
The Tampa City Council voted to ask Gov. Rick Scott to issue an executive order banning guns within the convention perimeter. But Scott, a Republican who was, er, gunning for a speaking role at the convention, shot down the idea. The only type of gun that will be banned from the perimeter is the dreaded Super Soaker — because that’s the only type of gun the city council was allowed to ban.
The council did take the precaution of banning hatchets; there’s always a lot of backstabbing at conventions, and that’s one category of weapons the NRA isn’t much worried about protecting.
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Where’s the party?
The presence of so many guns at the convention might worry the Secret Service. Fortunately for them, Tampa has something that will keep the agents otherwise occupied: strip clubs. The area has 50, making flesh one of the most visible industries.
Readers will recall that Secret Service agents demonstrated their affection for this trade during the president’s recent visit to Colombia. Republicans have also demonstrated interest. Then-Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele got into trouble a couple of years ago when RNC officials attempted to expense a $2,000 bill from Voyeur West Hollywood, a bondage-themed club where the performers simulate sex acts while suspended from nets.
It’s not clear whether the Floridians are this advanced. But many of the Tampa strip clubs are said to be upgrading equipment, hiring dancers and creating, ahem, “private nooks.” One place, Thee Dollhouse, reportedly spent $1 million to renovate and is bringing in a Sarah Palin impersonator. This could be the biggest event for the clubs since the 2009 Super Bowl, when some stayed open 24 hours.
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A Paul fest (or three)
The gadfly congressman Ron Paul, perennial presidential candidate and darling of the tea party, retires after this year. That makes Tampa a last hurrah, of sorts, for this Texas obstetrician-libertarian who loves gold and hates the Fed.
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