A few weeks ago, I suggested some reasons why Mitt Romney won’t release any more back tax returns — that they would reveal his real name is Tiffani, that his house is equipped with moneybag elevators, etc. A number of readers contended this was evidence of some supposed bias of mine against Republicans and other reactionary lunatics.
Several letter writers challenged me to prove my objectivity by doing a similar hit job on President Obama, who, they noted, hasn’t released his college transcripts.
Frankly, this seems to me a more excusable omission. College is a time for personal “experimentation,” which, in my case, was conducted on the scale of the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory. I recently found my college transcript; it was so filled with “incompletes” and “withdrawals” that it might as well have noted that I majored in narcotics.
So, where’s the big, impending surprise? Academic records are always a little embarrassing for candidates. During the 2000 presidential primaries, it was revealed that Bill Bradley — Rhodes scholar, Princeton graduate, famously obnoxious know-it-all — had gotten a score of 485 out of 800 on the verbal portion of his SATs.As I wrote at the time, that’s roughly what a chicken would get, pecking at a keyboard.
Mostly, though, I don’t think it’s relevant, or fair, to start flinging around accusations about college transcripts. But then I discovered that a conservative Web site is actually offering a $20,000 “bounty” for Obama’s. This doesn’t appear to be a joke. I say that with confidence because the rest of the Web site is as funny as an aneurysm. (Mission statement: “We are here to ensure America’s survival.”) The site features a two-minute, slo-mo video of Islamic radicals cutting off a man’s head.
Anyway, 20 grand is 20 grand. And it just so happens that I have exclusively obtained Obama’s college transcripts, and it’s quite clear why he doesn’t want them released. I’ll just give you the highlights:
●His birth name isn’t “Barack Hussein Obama Jr.” As politically problematic as that pseudonym proved to be, it turns out it is a significant improvement on his real name, “DeathToAmerica Obama Jr.”
●Each page of the transcript has a stamp in
Arabic. It translates to: Never to be released under penalty of death, by order of the caliphate ...
●His college loan application was co-signed by Idi Amin.
●Several of his grades were changed from C to A, with a handwritten notation: “Slavery reparations.”
●It turns out he was not president of the Harvard Law Review. He was president of the Harvard Sharia Law Review.
●In retrospect, his admission application probably should have been more carefully vetted for possible irregularities. It contained letters of recommendation from Barry White, Martin Luther King Jr. and Frederick Douglass.
●He took his junior year abroad in Ho Chi Minh City.
●He was president of the Foreign-Born Students Association.
●His senior thesis in economics, a new paradigm for wealth-distribution in America, was titled “Mugging Whitey.”
So, there you have it, conservative Web site: Send me my 20 grand, and I will send you the complete transcripts just as soon as your check clears.