Meanwhile I feel resentful and I am ashamed to say nervous, like she has some bad-luck cloud over her head or isn’t really trying or something. It seems lately all we talk about is job hunting, savings accounts, and planning for the future. We are both annoyed with each other.
I suggested marriage counseling and she snapped that it would cost money and time she could spend looking for new work. She thinks I resent her for holding us back and resent putting her through school with no result, and maybe I do. I also care about her and hate that our life is one nonstop fight lately. Any ideas? — Bad-Luck Spouse
Which sounds more like a choice to you: failing to get several jobs after several rounds of interviews despite years of visible effort; or seeing this failure as her fault, giving her “suggestions and leads” despite clear signs they’re not useful or welcome, and resenting her “bad-luck cloud”? (Seriously?)
More than marriage counseling, you need a refresher on cause and effect. By my count, you’re laying your lack of a house and children, your resentments, your nerves and your nonstop fighting all at the feet of your wife and her job situation, when in fact the limits on her income are just one wedge of your marital pie.
Other wedges are the limits on your earnings; your location and the cost of housing there; your current expenses and other demands on your two incomes; the insufficiency of the savings each of you brought to the marriage; your mutual lack of investment-income sources; the absence of extended-family support ... and, if I were in that kind of mood, even in each other’s taste in spouses, since you’d both have better-padded lives had you each found higher-earning mates.
Is that really where you want to go, though?
I have to think not — and if you don’t want to prop the door open to wholesale blaming, then you need to stop the arbitrary, selective blaming now.
Instead, you and your wife, together, as a love-based team, need to revisit your plans, and limit them to things you two can control. And since you can’t control what hiring managers do, “wife upgrades job” has to come off the table as a solution to any/all of your problems.
She can continue looking, sure — perhaps after a restorative break from the hunt? I don’t doubt you’re feeling a money pinch, but the kindness pinch you currently feel is hurting you both even more. Try throwing some of it around; it’s free and it never runs out.
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Dear Carolyn: One of my good friends is very upset that she has never been in a relationship. She is constantly negative about it. As each year goes on, she becomes even more upset about it. We’re only 21 and I don’t think it is that bad; she just hasn’t found the right person yet. However, when I try to comfort her or say that, she gets upset or angry and tells me that because I have had a serious relationship in the past, I can’t talk and I don’t understand what it feels like.
I don’t know what she wants from me, or how I can best help her. What can I say when this inevitably comes up again? She mentions it weekly. — S.
“You don’t want me comforting you, and I don’t want you bemoaning the same thing for the nth year running, so how should we handle this?”
A girl can dream.
Unless 15 years’ worth of mail has misled me, no one has ever found love through complaining about the lack of it, and no lonely person has ever felt better for hearing, “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”
A decent number of recurring laments, however, have been stopped cold by, “What do you plan to do about it?” “What would you like me to say?” “Do you think talking about it so often has helped?” Meaning, by a friend who lovingly turns the treadmill off.
Write to Carolyn Hax, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or firstname.lastname@example.org. Subscribe at www.facebook.com/carolynhax.