DEAR AMY: I have been married for 14 years and have two children. My husband travels out of state every week for work. Seven months ago I found out he was having an affair with a woman who lived about an hour and a half from the city he travels to. For the sake of our family, I told him I’d forgive him, and he ended the affair.
The other woman and her husband divorced. Occasionally, I look her up online. I just saw a public post she made about how she’s moving to the same city that my husband travels to each week.
I’m feeling worried and suspicious that this isn’t a coincidence. I’d like to just ask my husband about this, but I am worried that if he truly has had no contact with her, I’d be courting trouble by providing him with this information. Should I stay quiet and just keep a watchful eye on him for signs of cheating, or should I share my concerns with him? -- Worried Wife
DEAR WORRIED: This series of events seems more than coincidental.
If you and your husband are truly going to reconcile and move forward with a clean slate, you have to be emotionally intimate with each other. This is especially important following an affair.
Two things must happen: You need to be honest with him about your fears and suspicions, and he needs to be completely transparent about everything — all of his social media, e-mail, phone, etc. Transparency does not guarantee anything; it is very easy to hide contact (especially given his travel schedule), but being open with you will demonstrate his desire to build back the trust he took from the relationship. With infidelity there is no “presumed innocence.” The burden of proof is on the perpetrator.
If he is unaware that this woman is moving to his work city (doubtful), then he needs to know now because he must not have any contact with her and should also avoid all of her efforts to contact him.
Most likely he does know she is moving. And so now he will know that you know too.
DEAR AMY: Two or three times a year I get back to the city where I used to live and touch base with old friends. There is one, in particular, who I enjoy seeing. She has a great sense of humor, and we have lots of memories to share.
Here is the problem. She is a “foodie,” and we usually get together over a meal. I can actually see the change come over her as a waiter or waitress approaches the table. She is rude and condescending and always complains about the food. No matter how fine the restaurant, the food is never good enough, and the waiter, who has innocently asked if everything is okay, gets a nasty earful.
The last time we were together, she ending up taking her third meal (the first two were “not good”) home with her. Many times, on the pretense of having left something behind, I have gone back into a restaurant to apologize to wait staff. And I can’t tell you how many times I have left way more than my share of a tip to say “sorry!” I am not sure where, besides over a meal, we could meet for an hour or two of conversation. What do you think? -- Fed Up
DEAR FED UP: You can tell her, “You don’t seem to have a good time when we eat out, so let’s go for a walk instead.” You can meet at a park, window shop, go to a museum or have a cup of coffee or a cocktail. From the sounds of it, the farther you keep her from wait staff, the better for your friendship.
DEAR AMY: “Conflicted in the Heartland” wondered about disclosing his political differences with his wife on Facebook. In your answer, you said that clicking “like” on Facebook does not imply an endorsement, only that you have read the post. I disagree. I only click “like” if I actually like something! -- Facebook Fan
DEAR FAN: Most respondents agreed with you.