Ask Amy: Long lost niece has conditions for contact

August 7, 2013

DEAR AMY: My sister was recently able to contact a niece whom we have not seen since she was 12. She’s now almost 30.

The niece responded cordially and said she would like to resume a relationship. Her condition is that we not inform her father (our brother) of any information we receive from her.

My brother is estranged from his two children, but we don’t know the reason. My brother has very little contact with me and refuses my requests for visits, but we do communicate occasionally by e-mail and telephone calls.

I would like to have a relationship with my niece, but I don’t like the idea of concealing information from my brother.

Can you offer any advice? -- Wondering

DEAR WONDERING: Your response to your niece should be, “We’re so happy to reconnect with you. I never see your father, but I occasionally hear from him. I would never volunteer anything about you or disclose your contact information without your permission, but it makes me uncomfortable to conceal information from a family member. Can we talk about this?”

Your niece may have valid reasons to withhold information from her father, and you should respect this. Forging a relationship with her as an adult gives you an opportunity to help her heal from childhood wounds. I give you credit for thoughtfully pursuing this relationship.

DEAR AMY: After 40 years of marriage, I reconnected with an old boyfriend on Facebook. We got together a few times and ended up being intimate. His wife found out, and he broke off any further contact.

He confided in me that he had cheated on her with another woman on an ongoing basis for a year.

My problem? I can’t get over him. I have been in love with him for all these years, never got over him and find I still have feelings for him. How do I get over these feelings?

My husband has no idea I cheated on him this one time; otherwise, I have been faithful to him for all these years. I realize these types of letters are usually written by much younger people, but I still have feelings for this man.

What should I do? -- Lost

DEAR LOST: Now that many kids have stopped using Facebook, the social networking site seems to function mainly as a vehicle by which people in my generation can get themselves into trouble.

The kind of passion you can have with someone from your youth who is unavailable is very different from the steadiness (perhaps staleness) of your very long marriage.

Passion is not rational, but its antidote is. Try to consider rationally the true attractiveness of the serial cheater who rejects you when he is caught.

Now that you have been rejected (this is part of the reason you are stuck in your passionate moment), you need to distract yourself by deliberately choosing to build — or rebuild — other relationships in order to stop ruminating about the one you can’t (and shouldn’t) have.

The way to get over this relationship is to recommit and reconnect to your marriage — one day at a time. If you have learned anything from this episode (perhaps that you want more heat and passion in your life), take these lessons and apply them to your marriage. If you find you cannot override your longings over time on your own, therapy could help.

DEAR AMY: Your response to “Of Sound Mind” slightly missed the mark. Many young, ambitious women see their career choice as empowering and all-consuming.

She remarks that her career ambition is higher than being a stay-at-home mom.

Some of us stay-at-home moms are highly educated, had brilliant careers and then left these careers to pursue other dreams (like having a family).

A truly intelligent and worldly woman keeps all of her options open and fulfills them in due time. -- A Bryant, Esq.

DEAR A: I’ve received many responses from women urging this teenager to keep all of her options open — including the ongoing option not to have children.

Because she feels so strongly about this, her sexual choices will have to be very thoughtful and deliberate.

Amy’s column appears seven days a week at www.washingtonpost.com/advice. Write to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.

by the Chicago Tribune

SECTION: {section=lifestyle, subsection=style}!!!
INITIAL commentConfig: {includereply=true, canvas_permalink_id=washpost.com/8bvh5zpd9k, allow_comments=true, commentmaxlength=2000, includeshare=true, display_comments=true, canvas_permalink_app_instance=m6yzjj840m, display_more=true, moderationrequired=false, includefeaturenotification=true, defaultsort=reverseChronological, canvas_allcomments_id=washpost.com/km4ey0dajm, comments_period=14, includevoteofftopic=false, allow_videos=false, childrenitemsperpage=3, markerdisplay=post_commenter:Post Commenter|staff:Post Writer|top_commenter:Post Forum|top_local:Washingtologist|top_sports:SuperFan|fact_checker:Fact Checker|post_recommended:Post Recommended|world_watcher:World Watcher|cultuer_connoisseur:Culture Connoisseur|weather_watcher:Capital Weather Watcher|post_contributor:Post Contributor, includesorts=true, includeheader=true, defaulttab=all, includeverifiedcommenters=true, includerecommend=true, maxitemstop=3, includereport=true, source=washpost.com, allow_photos=false, maxitems=15, display_ugc_photos=false, includepause=true, canvas_allcomments_app_instance=6634zxcgfd, includepermalink=false}!!!

UGC FROM ARTICLE: {allow_comments=true, allow_photos=false, allow_videos=false, comments_period=14, comments_source=washpost.com, default_sort=, default_tab=, display_comments=true, is_ugc_gallery=false, max_items_to_display=15, max_items_to_display_top=3, moderation_required=false, stream_id=}!!!

FINAL commentConfig: {includereply=true, canvas_permalink_id=washpost.com/8bvh5zpd9k, allow_comments=true, commentmaxlength=2000, includeshare=true, display_comments=true, canvas_permalink_app_instance=m6yzjj840m, display_more=true, moderationrequired=false, includefeaturenotification=true, defaultsort=reverseChronological, canvas_allcomments_id=washpost.com/km4ey0dajm, comments_period=14, includevoteofftopic=false, allow_videos=false, childrenitemsperpage=3, markerdisplay=post_commenter:Post Commenter|staff:Post Writer|top_commenter:Post Forum|top_local:Washingtologist|top_sports:SuperFan|fact_checker:Fact Checker|post_recommended:Post Recommended|world_watcher:World Watcher|cultuer_connoisseur:Culture Connoisseur|weather_watcher:Capital Weather Watcher|post_contributor:Post Contributor, includesorts=true, includeheader=true, defaulttab=all, includeverifiedcommenters=true, includerecommend=true, maxitemstop=3, includereport=true, source=washpost.com, allow_photos=false, maxitems=15, display_ugc_photos=false, includepause=true, canvas_allcomments_app_instance=6634zxcgfd, includepermalink=false}!!
Comments
SECTION: {section=lifestyle, subsection=style}!!!
INITIAL commentConfig: {includereply=true, canvas_permalink_id=washpost.com/8bvh5zpd9k, allow_comments=true, commentmaxlength=2000, includeshare=true, display_comments=true, canvas_permalink_app_instance=m6yzjj840m, display_more=true, moderationrequired=false, includefeaturenotification=true, defaultsort=reverseChronological, canvas_allcomments_id=washpost.com/km4ey0dajm, comments_period=14, includevoteofftopic=false, allow_videos=false, childrenitemsperpage=3, markerdisplay=post_commenter:Post Commenter|staff:Post Writer|top_commenter:Post Forum|top_local:Washingtologist|top_sports:SuperFan|fact_checker:Fact Checker|post_recommended:Post Recommended|world_watcher:World Watcher|cultuer_connoisseur:Culture Connoisseur|weather_watcher:Capital Weather Watcher|post_contributor:Post Contributor, includesorts=true, includeheader=true, defaulttab=all, includeverifiedcommenters=true, includerecommend=true, maxitemstop=3, includereport=true, source=washpost.com, allow_photos=false, maxitems=15, display_ugc_photos=false, includepause=true, canvas_allcomments_app_instance=6634zxcgfd, includepermalink=false}!!!

UGC FROM ARTICLE: {allow_comments=true, allow_photos=false, allow_videos=false, comments_period=14, comments_source=washpost.com, default_sort=, default_tab=, display_comments=true, is_ugc_gallery=false, max_items_to_display=15, max_items_to_display_top=3, moderation_required=false, stream_id=}!!!

FINAL commentConfig: {includereply=true, canvas_permalink_id=washpost.com/8bvh5zpd9k, allow_comments=true, commentmaxlength=2000, includeshare=true, display_comments=true, canvas_permalink_app_instance=m6yzjj840m, display_more=true, moderationrequired=false, includefeaturenotification=true, defaultsort=reverseChronological, canvas_allcomments_id=washpost.com/km4ey0dajm, comments_period=14, includevoteofftopic=false, allow_videos=false, childrenitemsperpage=3, markerdisplay=post_commenter:Post Commenter|staff:Post Writer|top_commenter:Post Forum|top_local:Washingtologist|top_sports:SuperFan|fact_checker:Fact Checker|post_recommended:Post Recommended|world_watcher:World Watcher|cultuer_connoisseur:Culture Connoisseur|weather_watcher:Capital Weather Watcher|post_contributor:Post Contributor, includesorts=true, includeheader=true, defaulttab=all, includeverifiedcommenters=true, includerecommend=true, maxitemstop=3, includereport=true, source=washpost.com, allow_photos=false, maxitems=15, display_ugc_photos=false, includepause=true, canvas_allcomments_app_instance=6634zxcgfd, includepermalink=false}!!
Show Comments
Most Read Lifestyle