Ask Amy: Sex buddy has trouble reading kissing cues

May 28, 2012

Dear Amy:

Recently I began to have sex with a guy I’ve known for three years. We were attracted to each other, so we agreed on a “sex-buddy” relationship. We don’t speak to each other in public, and I don’t mind that at all. I am perfectly content keeping our behavior 100 percent secret.

But now the sex has changed. It’s not a bad change, necessarily, because when we first started it was pretty automatic and even sort of anonymous. But now it has evolved to where he kisses me a lot and he is a million times more passionate than he used to be. He hugs me more, tries to hold me and kisses me a lot.

It made me kind of think that he was beginning to have feelings for me — until recently, that is, when he told me that he has no emotional attachment when it comes to sex.

I am the shyest person ever when it comes to asking people about their feelings, so I can’t imagine asking him. This has left me really confused. What could this mean?

Confused

Evidently you have never seen the movie “Pretty Woman.” If you had, you would know that kissing during sex means that your sex partner is moments away from whisking you off on a romantic trip aboard a private jet to see the opera.

Or not.

I am wrapping my tired mind around the concept that you are not too shy to engage in a sex-only relationship but you cannot bring yourself to ask a question. If you won’t risk having a conversation about this, perhaps you will be brave enough to make a statement on your own behalf.

If kissing is too intimate or confusing for you, you should tell your partner not to do it. However, you don’t report feeling happy or fulfilled.

Your confusion is a gift. You should start to make choices that are more affirmative and in which your sexual life is more integrated into your emotional life. It’s trickier, for sure, but you also have a shot at a real Hollywood ending.

Dear Amy:

A teenage girl I know mentioned that her parents don’t allow her to date. She said that someday (probably when she finishes college) she is going to get married through an arranged marriage because it’s her parents’ cultural tradition.

Her highly educated parents confirmed this. Furthermore, her parents said that although their religion calls for free will, their cultural tradition establishes that parents and male siblings choose the husband-to-be.

Can a social tradition of a foreign culture be above our own laws in this country?

What can a young woman do if she doesn’t agree with her family but is persuaded into the arranged marriage anyway because otherwise her family is going to cut her entirely out of their lives?

If she is married in an arranged marriage in a foreign country, can she demand the marriage be annulled if she moves back here?

Concerned Friend

Parents have pressured and coerced their children into marriages for all sorts of reasons and across cultures since time immemorial — even in this country.

I’m presuming she is a citizen, and you can hope that the right to marry or not marry whomever she wants will override the familial pressure when the time comes.

If she is coerced into marriage and doesn’t want to remain married, she will have to see a lawyer, but questions of annulment are very premature, and not up to you.

This situation may change as the teenager matures and is able to distance herself from this expectation. Having a college degree and a profession will give her the economic power to be independent.

DEAR AMY: “Unhappy Grandfather” expressed a common frustration of not having enough time with the grandchildren because the “other set” of grandparents seemed to dominate.

I have a suggestion. This worked for us in a similar situation. We reached out to the other grandparents and made an effort to get to know them. We ended up co-grandparenting and it worked out well for all of us. -- Happy Gran

DEAR GRAN: An excellent solution.

Write to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.

2012 by the Chicago Tribune

Distributed by Tribune Media Services

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