Ask Amy: Sometimes, it’s only a sweater

September 18, 2013

DEAR AMY: When I was in my 20s, I was in a loving and devoted relationship with a woman for five years. After several bad episodes, she ended it.

Four decades later, I still value the quality of the affection we shared and the lessons that I learned. That relationship has shaped much of the way I choose to live today. While I truly have no lingering desire for her, I am deeply appreciative of her influence in my life. We have gone our separate and successfully married ways. I am a thousand miles away and completely over her. We have not communicated in all this time.

During our relationship, she made me a gift. It is a beautiful, finely knit sweater, which took her many hours of effort. I have kept it in excellent condition for all these years.

I have a desire to return it to her with no messages attached, so that she might enjoy it or give it away. I want no response for this gesture. For me, this is just to say an (unspoken) thanks for all that she gave me all those years ago.

Is this unwise? Could this look like an attempt at a rapprochement, or would this gesture anger her? Should I give the sweater to her brother and let him decide what to do with it? -- Grateful for the Gifts

DEAR GRATEFUL: If you received a package containing a (possibly forgotten) gift you had given to someone more than 40 years ago, with no message attached, you would probably go a little bit bonkers trying to attach meaning to it. Is it your intent to drive this woman crazy?

Your gesture could come off as weirdly mysterious, rapprochementlike or even hostile.

Why not be more straightforward, not to prompt an answer but to make your intention very clear? Like this:

“Dear Chelsea, I hope you remember this sweater. As you can see, I’ve taken good care of it. Perhaps you have someone in your life who likes vintage things to whom you could give this handmade gift from your (and my) youth. I’ve enclosed a photo of my family; that’s my spouse, Diana, our kids and our dog, Tippy. I hope your life is as happy as mine is and wish you all the best.”

DEAR AMY: With Christmas a few months away, I’m trying to get a jump-start on an awkward situation that occurred last year.

My husband and I received an extravagant ($85) Christmas gift from neighbors who we barely know. We wave hello from a distance, but, in reality, I have only talked face to face with the woman once, and we have never met her husband.

It seemed strange. I then felt the need to reciprocate, and so I purchased an assortment of Christmas ornaments and also sent over some home-baked goods.

Over the past year our relationship has remained exactly the same (i.e. nothing). I am not a Scrooge but feel that gift-giving should be reserved for family and close friends. I fear this will occur again, so how do I ward it off now before it’s too late? -- No Gifts Please

DEAR NO GIFTS: You should not feel pressured to reciprocate a gift to someone you don’t know. If you hadn’t reciprocated last year, for instance, but had simply thanked this neighbor for her generosity (”What a surprise! Thank you.”), you might not face this issue now.

You don’t want to give your neighbor a gift, so don’t. If she gives you a gift again, drop a note in her box thanking her and wishing her and her family a nice holiday season. Ideally, this gesture would be the spark for a friendship, but sometimes even the best-laid gifts simply fizzle.

DEAR AMY: “Unsure” did nothing when his wife told him their mutual friend “Jasper” had really hit on her. You suggested that he should confront the cad, even though the wife didn’t want him to. I felt this wife took care of the matter on her own and didn’t need rescuing. -- Disappointed

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: I counseled “Unsure” to stand up for his relationship, but many readers agreed with you.

Amy’s column appears seven days a week at www.washingtonpost.com/advice. Write to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.

by the Chicago Tribune

SECTION: {section=lifestyle, subsection=style}!!!
INITIAL commentConfig: {includereply=true, canvas_permalink_id=washpost.com/8bvh5zpd9k, allow_comments=true, commentmaxlength=2000, includeshare=true, display_comments=true, canvas_permalink_app_instance=m6yzjj840m, display_more=true, moderationrequired=false, includefeaturenotification=true, canvas_allcomments_id=washpost.com/km4ey0dajm, comments_period=14, defaultsort=reverseChronological, includevoteofftopic=false, allow_videos=false, includesorts=true, markerdisplay=post_commenter:Post Commenter|staff:Post Writer|top_commenter:Post Forum|top_local:Washingtologist|top_sports:SuperFan|fact_checker:Fact Checker|post_recommended:Post Recommended|world_watcher:World Watcher|cultuer_connoisseur:Culture Connoisseur|weather_watcher:Capital Weather Watcher|post_contributor:Post Contributor, childrenitemsperpage=3, includeheader=true, includeverifiedcommenters=true, defaulttab=all, includerecommend=true, includereport=true, maxitemstop=3, source=washpost.com, allow_photos=false, maxitems=15, display_ugc_photos=false, includepause=true, canvas_allcomments_app_instance=6634zxcgfd, includepermalink=false}!!!

UGC FROM ARTICLE: {allow_comments=true, allow_photos=false, allow_videos=false, comments_period=14, comments_source=washpost.com, default_sort=, default_tab=, display_comments=true, is_ugc_gallery=false, max_items_to_display=15, max_items_to_display_top=3, moderation_required=false, stream_id=}!!!

FINAL commentConfig: {includereply=true, canvas_permalink_id=washpost.com/8bvh5zpd9k, allow_comments=true, commentmaxlength=2000, includeshare=true, display_comments=true, canvas_permalink_app_instance=m6yzjj840m, display_more=true, moderationrequired=false, includefeaturenotification=true, canvas_allcomments_id=washpost.com/km4ey0dajm, comments_period=14, defaultsort=reverseChronological, includevoteofftopic=false, allow_videos=false, includesorts=true, markerdisplay=post_commenter:Post Commenter|staff:Post Writer|top_commenter:Post Forum|top_local:Washingtologist|top_sports:SuperFan|fact_checker:Fact Checker|post_recommended:Post Recommended|world_watcher:World Watcher|cultuer_connoisseur:Culture Connoisseur|weather_watcher:Capital Weather Watcher|post_contributor:Post Contributor, childrenitemsperpage=3, includeheader=true, includeverifiedcommenters=true, defaulttab=all, includerecommend=true, includereport=true, maxitemstop=3, source=washpost.com, allow_photos=false, maxitems=15, display_ugc_photos=false, includepause=true, canvas_allcomments_app_instance=6634zxcgfd, includepermalink=false}!!
Comments
SECTION: {section=lifestyle, subsection=style}!!!
INITIAL commentConfig: {includereply=true, canvas_permalink_id=washpost.com/8bvh5zpd9k, allow_comments=true, commentmaxlength=2000, includeshare=true, display_comments=true, canvas_permalink_app_instance=m6yzjj840m, display_more=true, moderationrequired=false, includefeaturenotification=true, canvas_allcomments_id=washpost.com/km4ey0dajm, comments_period=14, defaultsort=reverseChronological, includevoteofftopic=false, allow_videos=false, includesorts=true, markerdisplay=post_commenter:Post Commenter|staff:Post Writer|top_commenter:Post Forum|top_local:Washingtologist|top_sports:SuperFan|fact_checker:Fact Checker|post_recommended:Post Recommended|world_watcher:World Watcher|cultuer_connoisseur:Culture Connoisseur|weather_watcher:Capital Weather Watcher|post_contributor:Post Contributor, childrenitemsperpage=3, includeheader=true, includeverifiedcommenters=true, defaulttab=all, includerecommend=true, includereport=true, maxitemstop=3, source=washpost.com, allow_photos=false, maxitems=15, display_ugc_photos=false, includepause=true, canvas_allcomments_app_instance=6634zxcgfd, includepermalink=false}!!!

UGC FROM ARTICLE: {allow_comments=true, allow_photos=false, allow_videos=false, comments_period=14, comments_source=washpost.com, default_sort=, default_tab=, display_comments=true, is_ugc_gallery=false, max_items_to_display=15, max_items_to_display_top=3, moderation_required=false, stream_id=}!!!

FINAL commentConfig: {includereply=true, canvas_permalink_id=washpost.com/8bvh5zpd9k, allow_comments=true, commentmaxlength=2000, includeshare=true, display_comments=true, canvas_permalink_app_instance=m6yzjj840m, display_more=true, moderationrequired=false, includefeaturenotification=true, canvas_allcomments_id=washpost.com/km4ey0dajm, comments_period=14, defaultsort=reverseChronological, includevoteofftopic=false, allow_videos=false, includesorts=true, markerdisplay=post_commenter:Post Commenter|staff:Post Writer|top_commenter:Post Forum|top_local:Washingtologist|top_sports:SuperFan|fact_checker:Fact Checker|post_recommended:Post Recommended|world_watcher:World Watcher|cultuer_connoisseur:Culture Connoisseur|weather_watcher:Capital Weather Watcher|post_contributor:Post Contributor, childrenitemsperpage=3, includeheader=true, includeverifiedcommenters=true, defaulttab=all, includerecommend=true, includereport=true, maxitemstop=3, source=washpost.com, allow_photos=false, maxitems=15, display_ugc_photos=false, includepause=true, canvas_allcomments_app_instance=6634zxcgfd, includepermalink=false}!!
Show Comments
Most Read Lifestyle