Ask Amy: Wife discovers her husband’s ‘field ops’

April 21, 2012

DEAR AMY: My husband has cheated on me. I discovered that he has been texting another woman who lives in another state.

I am waiting at home for him to come back from a field operation (he’s in the military). He cheated on his ex-wife with me, but then divorced her and married me. What should I do? -- Devastated Wife

DEAR DEVASTATED: Do not confront your husband with this right now. The best thing is for you to pursue immediate help, advice and counseling on your own and then bring your husband in to speak with you when you are calm and when he is able and available.

If you are connected with a base, you could talk to the base chaplain.

The National Military Family Association offers extensive online support groups (www.militaryfamily.org). You should try to connect with other spouses who can offer support and advice.

Obviously, as a cheating partner who contributed to the breakdown of your husband’s previous marriage, you now have some perspective on your own behavior. I assume you will do some soul searching about your own choices. Doing so should help you to understand what you need to do next.

DEAR AMY: My son wants to attend college with his high school girlfriend. I would rather they went to separate colleges. We are constantly having heated discussions about this. Her parents don’t see a problem. Am I wrong? -- Frustrated Parent

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Where are all of these heated discussions taking you? Have you successfully persuaded your son of the folly of his plan?

Spending the time, emotions and energy on trying to maintain a long-distance relationship while starting college has derailed many a college freshman. Being on the same campus as his girlfriend could conceivably be a stabilizing force for them.

Most importantly, this is your son’s college experience, not yours. You have made your opinion known, repeatedly and heatedly.

If this is a mistake, he will find out soon enough, and you can’t hasten the conclusion. You can only educate him about his options and their consequences and then let him make his own choice.

DEAR AMY: Regarding the issue of fellow workers not speaking English in the presence of another employee, I feel that when co-workers are conversing (especially in a nonwork situation), their aim is mutual communication, not whether a bystander can understand them.

An appropriately personal and nonwork-based conversation is not meant to include others.

As long as the customer contact is handled appropriately and other job-related tasks are properly performed, the insistence of employees using a common (to all) language for casual communication is intrusive and unnecessary. The issue need not be “addressed.” -- Steve

DEAR STEVE: You make a great point. My theory is that people just naturally tend to do the easiest thing, and that is to speak in one’s native language. This is rude, and it goes to show that sometimes politeness takes work.

I agree with you that personal conversations are not necessarily meant to be shared, but that’s the problem with the language issue: When you overhear others all speaking in their shared language, you immediately assume that the conversation is deliberately exclusionary (and that it’s about you).

Other readers have suggested that this English speaker should try to learn a few phrases in the language spoken by co-workers. I agree that this is a positive reaction to a challenging issue.

DEAR AMY: As a frequent flier, I have to weigh in on your advice to “Nervous Flier” about the loud-talking passengers who stood in the aisle and blocked the video screen for five hours during a flight.

While I agree with your advice to simply ask these people to quiet down and also sit down, should the loud passengers be unwilling to cooperate or become belligerent, this passenger should get the flight attendants involved.

Federal law requires passengers to follow directives from crew members. Flight attendants are definitely “crew” and they’re there for the safety of all the passengers. -- Well-Traveled Pro in Seattle

DEAR PRO: You are absolutely right. And unless you are unlucky enough to have Alec Baldwin on your flight, bringing the flight attendants in should solve the problem.

Write to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.

2012 by the Chicago Tribune

Distributed by Tribune Media Services

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