Carolyn Hax: A girlfriend’s extra weight is hers to deal with — or not

Carolyn Hax
Columnist April 3

Dear Carolyn:

As a man with an overweight girlfriend, I feel a bit demonized by this column (http://wapo.st/1jbbY1P), and advice. Me, I’m small and healthy. I saw her pictures online and knew she had some weight on her, but she was appealing enough. She admitted that since those pictures were taken, she added 30 pounds from a stressful divorce.

Carolyn Hax started her advice column in 1997, after five years as a copy editor and news editor in Style and none as a therapist. The column includes cartoons by "relationship cartoonist" Nick Galifianakis -- Carolyn's ex-husband -- and appears in over 200 newspapers. View Archive

Am I also a heartless superficial slob to want her to lose the 30 pounds she recently gained? I agree that if one partner is too demanding of a certain image/appearance or other attributes, maybe the couple should split. But isn’t there room for compromise, and having some mutual health and appearance goals?

Skinny Boyfriend

No. You don’t get to have goals for other adults, not “health and appearance” goals, not any other kind of goals. You just don’t.


(Nick Galifianakis/The Washington Post)

You can, of course, want someone to lose 30 pounds without being a heartless superficial slob. You can find those pounds unattractive. You can find them indicative of something else that worries you — of a stress-eating problem, of a known but unaddressed health condition, of an annoying habit of bemoaning the weight and using pre-weight-gain photographs without actually changing any habits toward losing weight.

You can break up with (or just not go out with) someone over any of these things.

You can also [fill in your thoughts, desires, biases or etc. here], as long as this [whatever] governs you and your behavior alone.

But you cannot stay with someone while wishing — privately or openly — that she would improve upon the version of herself she presented to you when you met, not without crossing the line between positioning yourself as an equal and assuming the role of mentor, coach, renovator — as in, superior.

Occasionally in a healthy, power-balanced relationship, two people will want something different from each other, sure. But they have to approach it as equal partners, meaning basic respect for boundary lines: My feelings about you are my business, but your body and choices are yours.

By the way — “small and healthy”? Watch how you demonize extra weight; it’s a far more complex business than that.

Dear Carolyn:

I’m an adult who recently moved back home. I’m having a hard time adjusting to the loss of independence. The one thing that really drives me crazy is that almost every time my mom speaks to me, she uses a pet name or a childhood nickname. I’m not financially independent, and I know my parents love me and do so much for me, so I don’t want to seem unappreciative or unreasonable.

The obvious answer is to just talk to my mom about it, but in past conversations of a similar vein, I could tell she felt hurt by my asking her to treat me as more of an adult. Do you have any suggestions about a light way to approach this?

Anonymous

No. You are an adult asking to be treated as such, so just be direct about your misgivings. “Mom, I love you and I’m grateful to be here. The loss of independence is hard for me, though. One thing I think would help: Would you please not call me by pet names or nicknames? I get this will be an adjustment, but we’re both finding our way.”

Write to Carolyn Hax, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or tellme@washpost.com. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at http://bit.ly/haxpost.

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