Carolyn Hax
Carolyn Hax
Columnist

Carolyn Hax: Dealing with a troubled mom

Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax started her advice column in 1997 as a weekly feature for The Washington Post, accompanied by the work of “relationship cartoonist” Nick Galifianakis. She is the author of “Tell Me About It” (Miramax, 2001), and the host of a live online discussion on Fridays at noon.

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(Nick Galifianakis/For The Washington Post)

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Over the past four years, I’ve watched my mom turn into someone I barely know. She’s always been a bit sensitive and emotional, and depression runs in our family. I treated my own depression with therapy and antidepressants in my 20s, so I know how valuable those two tools can be to help you deal.

My mom has become SO sensitive that you can barely talk to her — if you say one thing she doesn’t like, she goes into a major passive-aggressive snit or cries hysterically.

My dad, brother and I feel like we have to tiptoe around her, but if we bring up our concerns for her well-being, she says we blame her for everything and refuses to talk to us. It’s greatly affected our relationship. Where we were once really close, our conversations are now mostly superficial. She is just so angry and unhappy.

I’ve tried to talk to her about getting help, I’ve offered to research therapists for her, but she won’t budge. It’s affecting her marriage and her relationship with her children, and I don’t know what else to do. It makes me unbearably sad to think about how close we used to be but I have to keep boundaries up now for my own sanity. Is there anything else I can do?

Missing My Mom

Talk to your dad, find out just how willing he is to take up the cause of getting her some help. Also try the National Alliance on Mental Illness via its Helpline, 800-950-NAMI. If you find it useful, then you can not only apply the Helpline’s suggestions, but also urge your dad and brother to call.

Re: Emotional mom:

Before calling NAMI, wouldn’t it be helpful to call her doctor? Depending on the mom’s age, this sounds a lot like what happened to my mom during menopause. She didn’t get treated, my dad didn’t try to get her to go, and now my sisters and I have VERY strained relationships with her. It’s easy to look back now and realize what was happening — and why she seems different now — but at that point, all I knew was that my mom was capricious with a wicked temper and weird sensitivity to anything that might possibly be negative.

Anonymous

The call to NAMI is about exploring possibilities and finding ways to help — including calls to doctors. So, yes, you’re right that menopause might be the culprit, but it’s one possibility. The staff at NAMI will have experience at spotting common problems, will be able to hear the details of the mother’s age and behavior changes, and then will be able to suggest concrete approaches her family can take.

Just in general, the reason I suggest hotlines often is that they’re a step you can take that involves virtually no commitment — no money, little time, no obligation. So the whole mind-set of “before you call the hotline” makes no sense to me, because it’s not this bad thing you need to avoid unless you’ve exhausted every single alternative. Call. Learn something. Make that next step, whatever it is, with a little extra information from someone who very likely has dealt with your problem before.

Write to Carolyn Hax, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or tellme@washpost.com. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at http://bit.ly/haxpost.

 
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