Carolyn Hax: Evangelism, friendship are volatile mix

Carolyn Hax
Columnist May 30, 2013

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Help, Carolyn!

Carolyn Hax started her advice column in 1997, after five years as a copy editor and news editor in Style and none as a therapist. The column includes cartoons by "relationship cartoonist" Nick Galifianakis -- Carolyn's ex-husband -- and appears in over 200 newspapers. View Archive

I have asked this question in a lot of different forums, and no advice columnist seems to want to touch it.

My husband and I are non-Christians living in a small town in the Bible Belt. We have made some friends (it took a while) who are fun people and share most of our values, except religion. I don’t have a problem being friends with people of different religions; I consider it none of my business what other people believe, and just wish they would extend me the same courtesy!

These friends are evangelical Christians and invite us to church almost every time we see them. At first, I thought they were just being friendly. After the thousandth time, I feel like it’s really obnoxious and disrespectful. I’ve always just smiled and politely declined, but they keep bringing it up. Is there a way to salvage the friendship while putting my foot down?


(Nick Galifianakis)

Friend in the Bible Belt

That’s up to them, and it would be even if your differences involved a less loaded topic than religion. For example, say you renounced the exchange of material gifts unless it was food or vintage, out of concern for the environment — and you refused to use gift wrap. And let’s say you made a friend who felt it was rude to come to your home without bringing some mass-produced trinket all wrapped up, tied and glittered.

Or, you’ve finally gotten control of your weight, and your friend is a cupcake pusher. Or you think money is a private matter and your friend regularly asks you how much something cost.

Back to the initial question: “Is there a way to salvage the friendship while putting my foot down?”: It still applies without the slightest tweak to its phrasing or import.

What you have is a friend who does something that annoys you, and who (experience tells you) has a low likelihood of stopping it, might be offended when you ask, and has just as much of a right as you do to act on her core beliefs.

The answer in that situation has to come from your (im)patience with the status quo. Which is more important to you, this friendship, or the freedom to draw what you regard as a reasonable line? At a certain point, it stops being about the nuisance itself and becomes about feeling pressured to bite your tongue lest you implode the friendship.

If you decide that being able to say something is your priority, then be as kind and respectful to them as you would like them to be to you: “I appreciate that you’re trying to be kind by inviting me to church, but I would also appreciate it if you stopped asking.” Church, cupcakes, it’s the same thing: Don’t tiptoe around trying not to be who you are.

Keep in mind another issue on which you differ: You “consider it none of my business what other people believe,” and your friends consider your beliefs their business — likely an obligation. Try steering your conversation toward understanding each other instead of just one of you getting your way in perpetuity: “You feel you must draw me in. It’s pushing me away. How can we serve both principle and friendship?”

Write to Carolyn Hax, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or tellme@washpost.com. Sign up for Carolyn Hax’s column, delivered to your inbox early each morning, at http://bit.ly/haxpost.

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