Carolyn Hax
Carolyn Hax
Columnist

Carolyn Hax: How long a break from toddler girls is ‘responsible’?

Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax started her advice column in 1997 as a weekly feature for The Washington Post, accompanied by the work of “relationship cartoonist” Nick Galifianakis. She is the author of “Tell Me About It” (Miramax, 2001), and the host of a live online discussion on Fridays at noon.

Archive

You might also like...

She the People

Confronting a taboo after the death of ‘For Brown Girls’ founder

‘For Brown Girls’ founder Karyn Washington was an inspiration to many. Her apparent suicide has sparked conversations about depression and mental health among black women.

More

Is it ever okay for parents to take a loooong break? My husband and I have two toddlers in diapers and are totally exhausted. We have been talking about splurging on a vacation for just the two of us, and leaving the girls with a long-term sitter whom we would interview and vet very carefully, of course. I vacillate between thinking this is the best idea we’ve ever had and worrying that it’s selfish.

Maryland

Please read my April 13, 2011 column. Short version: Parents take two-week pleasure trip, leave toddler with Grandma, Grandma burns out, child gets handed off twice and ends up with someone the parents don’t even know.

Parents taking a spa break need to do better than screen a long-term sitter. Things happen, people get sick or tired or slip through the tightest vetting. Can you live with that?

You must take exhaustion seriously, yes, and if you don’t rest, you risk becoming the sketchy caregivers yourselves. But think about the problem from more than one angle first, and:

1. Postpone “loooong” and overhaul your schedule to add many small breaks. If you can manage “splurging,” you can afford twice-a-week help. Consider hiring a parent’s helper: a responsible young adult to watch the girls regularly while you’re home tending to other things (nap or book, even).

2. Employ any long-term candidate as a regular sitter long enough to prove competence, safety and good judgment, and for kids and sitter to get comfortable together. That’s just due diligence.

3. Next, when all is well, go away overnight and nearby. See how it goes.

4. Do you pull 18 straight hours of kid care without relief? A caregiver of small children needs someone else to step in — paid or otherwise — for several hours daily. And you need emergency backup plans, in case your sitter gets sick or injured.

5. If at this point you still want/need a loooong vacation, make sure you haven’t skipped any of these steps — and keep it to a length where you won’t hate yourself if something goes wrong. Never expect relatives or paid employees to do more heroic work with your kids than you do.

Re: Maryland:

To put it more simply: This sounds absolutely insane. I realize this couple is tired but I can’t imagine she is thinking straight to consider doing this with a new sitter. There is no amount of vetting that would make this reasonable.

Anonymous

That’s the short answer.

Re: Maryland:

New business opportunity: Kiddie Kennel.

Anonymous 2

And the even shorter one.

Re: Maryland:

Even three nights away can be a major rejuvenation. We go somewhere where we can either drive or take the train, which means if there truly is a crisis we can get back.

Anonymous 3

Even one night is better than none, but two nights allow you to wake up to an entire day off.

Re: Maryland:

Another option: Bring the kids on the vacation with a sitter to take care of the children. The parents can be assured of some time alone without being far from these very young children.

Anonymous 4

Tiring in its own way but still a scenery-change, thanks.

Write to Carolyn Hax, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or tellme@washpost.com. Subscribe at www.facebook.com/carolynhax.

 
Read what others are saying