Carolyn Hax
Carolyn Hax
Columnist

Carolyn Hax: Reader advice on preventing dropouts, giving help to family

While I’m away, readers give the advice.

Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax started her advice column in 1997 as a weekly feature for The Washington Post, accompanied by the work of “relationship cartoonist” Nick Galifianakis. She is the author of “Tell Me About It” (Miramax, 2001), and the host of a live online discussion on Fridays at noon.

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On helping a child who wants to drop out of school:

Talk to your kid about WHY. To get to the point of dropping out, which is a pretty extreme step for most kids, they might have found the whole or part of the experience really miserable. In addition to any substance-abuse issues: Do they hate the social scene? Do they feel the social scene hates them? Are they being harassed? Do they have learning-skill issues, like ADHD, etc.? Do they feel the subjects taught have no relation to what currently concerns them most? How long have they felt this way? Was there an event that was pivotal?

Their answers to your respectful, concerned questioning, over the course of one or more conversations, will help you figure out if and how you can help.

I dropped out after spring break during my senior year in high school. I ended up getting my GED. I probably could have dropped out junior year and successfully completed my GED, and I’m no Einstein. I hated the high school social scene, had always felt like an outsider and couldn’t relate the subjects taught to my turbulent inner world. I had undiagnosed ADHD and was probably clinically depressed to boot. My parents were completely flummoxed by my behavior and didn’t know what to do.

You can outline for your kid why schooling will help them control what happens to them in life, why it’s really important to learn self-discipline and how to work hard, and why it’s useful to know how to survive socially, but there are other places than a high school where one can learn those things.

Most important, let them know you’re in THEIR corner, love them, and just want to see them be able to create a happy, productive and fulfilling life for themselves, no matter what the path.

A.

On using family vs. enjoying their company:

When I saw the live chat post June 22 about the woman who was asked to hold a dog at a wedding, I blew milk out my nose. (Fortunately the cookie and laptop are fine.) Last winter, my son and his wife drove 1,000 miles with their baby and dog to visit her parents, who live 60 miles from me. They stopped at my house long enough to drop off the dog and then spent the next two weeks very busy, oh, so much going on, oh, all her family is in town and there is so much company to see, oh, we were up so late last night and are so tired today, ad infinitum . . .

I saw them again on their way home when they came back through town to pick up the dog. One letter-writer saw taking care of a dog at a wedding as a great honor, and in fact, I do like this dog and took good care of him. But I’ve had trouble coming to grips with what I’ve perceived to be a gross insult. I have tried to shrug this off for six months, but today I was finally able to laugh out loud.

J.

Write to Carolyn Hax, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or tellme@washpost.com. Subscribe at www.facebook.com/carolynhax.

 
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