Miss Manners: Asking for wedding cash poetically doesn’t make it right

November 15, 2012

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m getting married soon, and we are asking for cash as our gift. We are registered at two places for those who are old-fashioned. We have a sweet poem that is nice for asking for cash. We just don’t know how to tell people we are also registered but would prefer cash.

We would like to put the poem first, then say we’re registered for those who don’t want to give cash. Please help. :)

GENTLE READER: In a word: No. Miss Manners has stated time and time again that she does not give instruction on how to exploit one’s guests.

She is not pausing over your letter to congratulate you on being the millionth Gentle Reader to ask anyway. It is that touch of putting your extortion hopes into a poem that haunts her. You have not favored her with a glance at it, so she can only guess that it is:

“Roses are red

“Violets are blue,

“To pay our expenses

“We have targeted you.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For 35 years we have celebrated Thanksgiving and Easter with close friends and their families. For some reason, starting last Easter, they don’t want to share holidays with us. They don’t go to anyone else’s house. Actually, that would be easier to take.

I am very hurt by this. I have no idea what has happened. I feel we are owed an explanation. If a man said this to a long-term girlfriend, she would assume he doesn’t want to see her anymore.

A recent e-mail just said they are eating with their daughter and son-in-law at their retirement-home restaurant and that it would be a “different dinner for us all.”

I don’t know what that means, so I didn’t respond. We still see them regularly and they act normally, so this is a puzzle. I know I should take the high road and just ignore this. But as time goes on, I get more and more hurt and angry, and I fear that I can’t just put it behind me and I might cry when I am with them.

Is there any way that I can convey how hurt I am and find out if there is something that we have done (unclean kitchen?) that I can apologize for? If they totally cut us off, it would make more sense. But in this case, it is a very specific event. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: You should let it go and have a jolly Thanksgiving, perhaps with other friends. And you should continue, on the other days of the year, to enjoy the friendships you have always had.

Mostly, Miss Manners suggests that you stop comparing friendships to romances. Friendships are not exclusive, and it is therefore not disloyal to make other commitments. These people have not dropped you. They, or their daughter and son-in-law, could have wanted to change for any number of reasons not having to do with you.

But if your kitchen is unclean, for heaven’s sake, clean it anyway.

Visit Miss Manners at her Web site, www.missmanners.com, where you can send her your questions.

2012, by Judith Martin

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