Miss Manners: Husband’s friendship looks like an affair

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband, who is 20 years my senior, works with a female who is 30 years his junior, and they have developed a “friendship.” He tells me that he thinks of her as a daughter; however, they go for a beer every night after work, and this always turns into several beers.

Every time we have a disagreement, he always compares me to her. I have asked him point-blank if he is in love with this person (who, by the way, is also married). He has not said yes, but he has not said no.

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They text each other at least 50 times a day. I have asked, to no avail, that they not text on weekends.

Am I the stupid one for wanting to fight for my husband? This woman even bought a secret phone so they can text each other without her husband finding out.

I know in my own mind that if an affair has not yet happened, it is just a matter of time. How do I know all this? They invited me to have a beer with them, then I realized I was a decoy for them. As I write this, I realize just how dumb I am to stick around.

GENTLE READER: Glad to have been of help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law’s mother passed away last year. Her mother’s birthday is fast approaching, and I would like to honor her memory by presenting my mother-in-law with a wrist corsage to wear to church on the day. Is this an inappropriate expression of sympathy?

GENTLE READER: Yes. What is your mother-in-law supposed to say when her friends at church giggle and ask her whether she went to a dance the night before?

You are kind to remember the anniversary, but Miss Manners considers it a better idea to send flowers to the house, along with a few lovely words from your husband and you about his grandmother.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a chronic condition that makes the use of some kind of nose-tending a near-constant necessity. Previously I followed my mother’s habit of carrying about paper napkins, but after reading you, I purchased a package of plain white cotton handkerchiefs instead.

I like them much more than the paper napkins, and they have many advantages that I’m sure I don’t need to enumerate to you. However, I’m still not sure how to use them in polite company.

Around easy friends, I will just turn around and (carefully) blow my nose, but what about more polite company? It is a choice between using my handkerchief or my nose eventually running visibly, and I can’t run to the restroom every few minutes.

Please provide some pointers on the best way to dab one’s nose in polite company. I had this same dilemma with the paper napkins but never managed to resolve it.

GENTLE READER: Bless you. Not just for switching to handkerchiefs, but for worrying about offending others with your nose-blowing.

Unfortunately, it does, especially at mealtime. Dabbing, in contrast, does not. The difference, Miss Manners gathers, is in the soundtrack. A quiet gesture bringing the handkerchief to blot leaks before they drop, yes; but a honking blow, however satisfying, requires a trip to the bathroom.

Visit Miss Manners at her Web site, www.missmanners.com, where you can send her your questions.

2012, by Judith Martin

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