She’s nice in private, but in public, she’s embarrassing because of her rudeness, which can come out at any time — most recently when she thought someone had cut in line in front of her and she loudly said, “That’s okay. I’m invisible here.”
I’ve tried to gently tell her that two wrongs don’t make a right, but she just brushes me off with, “Yes, Mom.” Should I move on, or is there a nice way to let her know the way she treats people is embarrassing and rude?
No doubt your friend believes that she is serving the cause of manners by further inflaming people who are already behaving questionably and, incidentally, by ridiculing your embarrassment. That rudeness does not teach the importance of etiquette does not seem to discourage anyone from trying.
Miss Manners cannot authorize your committing the rudeness of criticizing your friend’s behavior. But she can suggest that you discuss the matter calmly, when your friend is on her “nice” behavior, by engaging her on the subject of the reactions she encounters.
Is the neighbor more cooperative after those bangings? Do parents thank her for pointing out that their children are misbehaving, and are they presumably open to teaching them better behavior? Do those who cut into line apologize when she denounces them?
Miss Manners is guessing that this will lead to the admission that maybe her outbursts don’t change others, but they make her feel better. You will then have to be gentle when you ask what she believes are the motives of others for their rudeness.
Dear Miss Manners:
I’ve been invited to a dinner party. Recently widowed, I am not certain that I will be in a comfortable position and am considering declining the invitation.
Would it be proper for another invited guest to tell the host of my dilemma? Isn’t it my responsibility to speak with the host?
If you are in the first throes of widowhood, you may ask a friend or relative to explain this to your host. After that, yes, it is up to you.
But Miss Manners hopes that — firsthand or secondhand — you will do this in a way that does not suggest perpetual seclusion, making clear that you appreciate the invitation but are in mourning and will be in touch. It is sadly common for widows to find themselves in social isolation after the initial wave of sympathy.
Visit Miss Manners at her Web site, www.missmanners.com, where you can send her your questions.
2012, by Judith Martin
Distributed by Universal Uclick for UFS