Style Invitational Week 982: Take a one-line head start in our song parody contest

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
A chill runs up my spine:
My pal’s first name’s escaped my thought,
But he remembers mine.

Here’s a different take on our annual-or-so song parody contests, this one suggested by Matt Monitto, an Elon University student and one of the Invite’s most intrepid parodists: Set your own, humorous words to the tune of a well-known song — except that you must preserve one of the original lines, as in Matt’s example above. Your song shouldn’t be more than one verse and one chorus; the original line may be in either of them (indicate the original line plus the name of the song it’s from).

Cute as a bug: This week’s second prize, a plush Helicobacter pylori bacterium. That’s the ulcer one.

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an adorable plush Helicobacter pylori ulcer bacterium, complete with flagella hanging out of its mouth (it also has cute, rather unbacterial eyes and fur). About 4.2 zillion times life size. Donated by life-size Loser Dave Prevar.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 13; results published Sept. 2 (online Aug. 31). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 982” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline for the “next week’s results” line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.

Report from Week 979

in which we asked simply for ways to tick people off. Given that we asked this in the wake of the Washington area power outages, many people equated the verb “PO” with the noun “P----o.”

The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial

Whenever a colleague swears, tell him, “Every time you say something like that, a fresh tear trickles down the cheek of Our Savior.” (John Shea, Philadelphia)

2. Winner of the Annoying Orange key chain and Lil’ Stinker Bubbles: When the woman in your life tells you that “I need your support,” cup her breasts. (Dion Black, Washington)

3. In the supermarket, when a parent is refusing the request of a whining toddler, rush toward the product and load up your cart, exclaiming, “I LOVE these things! They’re the BEST! I’m going to have as MANY as I WANT!” (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)

4. Ask a woman in a bar, “Hi, babe, can I buy you a light beer?” (David Genser, Poway, Calif.)

Ticking off: The seconds — Honorable mentions

Fill in a half-dozen incorrect answers in the crossword of the in-flight magazine, then leave it in the seat-back pocket for the next passenger. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)

When reading responsively during a religious service, loudly try out various speech defects. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)