The Heck-Kuster Act to Promote Less Vulgar Putdowns.
The Kildee-Barr Resolution to commemorate the precociousness of Davy Crockett.
The Salmon-Meadows Act to promote alternative fish farming.
Like many Washington area residents, the Empress takes a great interest in the outcomes of congressional races every two years. And like more and more Americans these days, she tends to hope for an infusion of fresh blood in the House and Senate. But more than most Americans, she hopes foremost that the new members have names that can be combined into something sounding like a phrase or even a sentence. Yes, it’s time to welcome the freshmen of the 113th Congress with our biennial joint-legislation contest: Name a piece of legislation “cosponsored” by two or more of the 98 new House and Senate members, as in the examples above; the names include House members who moved to the Senate. (We didn’t want to wait around for the two current vacancies to be filled.)
The new members:
Baldwin; Barr; Beatty; Bentivolio; Bera; Bridenstine; Brooks; Brownley; Bustos; Cardenas; Cartwright; Castro; Collins; Collins; Cook; Cotton; Cramer; Cruz; Daines; Davis; Delaney; DelBene; DeSantis; Donnelly; Duckworth; Enyart; Esty; Fischer; Flake; Foster; Frankel; Gabbard; Gallego; Garcia; Grayson; Grisham; Heck; Heinrich; Heitkamp; Hirono; Holding; Horsford; Hudson; Huffman; Jeffries; Joyce; Kaine; Kennedy; Kildee; Kilmer; King; Kirkpatrick; Kuster; LaMalfa; Lowenthal; Maffei; Maloney; Massie; McLeod; Meadows; Meng; Messer; Mullin; Murphy; Murphy; Nolan; O’Rourke; Payne; Perry; Peters; Pittenger; Pocan; Radel; Rice; Rothfus; Ruiz; Salmon; Schatz; Schneider; Scott; Shea-Porter; Sinema; Stewart; Stockman; Swalwell; Takano; Titus; Valadao; Vargas; Veasey; Vela; Wagner; Walorski; Warren; Weber; Wenstrup; Williams; Yoho
Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the small metal sign pictured on this page; it hung on the Empress’s front door last weekend when she took a turn hosting the Losers’ Post-Holiday Party, a potluck and song parody fest that drew some 65 Losers, their handlers and the Merely Curious. Donated by Nan Reiner.
Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to email@example.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Jan. 22; results published Feb. 10 (online Feb. 7). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 1005” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Jeff Contompasis; the alternative headline for the “next week” line is by Kevin Dopart. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.
in which we asked for original acronyms and other abbreviations, a la our own Bob Staake’s PIMPL (peeing in my pants laughing):
BHH: Bless his heart. The Southern way to finish a nasty comment. “Billy is such a pathetic SOB, BHH.” (Dayna Fellows, Bethesda, Md.)
2. Winner of the “vampire butterfly” bubble wand and nose-shaped pencil sharpener: FLASC: Fake-laughing at stupid comment. “Everyone was doing major FLASC on the boss at the staff meeting today.” (Arden Levine, New York)
3. CYANATA: Cover your behind, never admit to anything. “Time to go on ‘Meet the Press.’ CYANATA.” (Doug Frank, Crosby, Tex.)
4. WSEAD: Worst sex ever, almost done. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
NOe: No biggie. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)
CURAP: Completely unnecessary rules and procedures. “I have to submit my tweets in triplicate? Talk about a bunch of CURAP.” (Skip Livingston, Hopewell, N.J.)
BOFFDA: Been online for four days already. “The giggling-otter meme? Eh. BOFFDA.” (Doug Frank)
CTRL: Can’t text — ’rents looking. (Cathy Lamaze, North Potomac, Md.)
DITCH: Drove into truck — call for help. “b home soon, on bway. uh oh DITCH.” (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.)
DODO: Department of Defense official. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
LAPTOY: Looking at porn, thinking of you. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
FOG: Old guy. “Arggh, a FOG’s slowing traffic in the left lane.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
LALOF: Living a life of fiction. “He thinks he’s gonna score with HER? He is so LALOF.” (Dale Hample, Silver Spring, Md.)
STFU: Sincere thanks for understanding. Use this to express appreciation for someone’s comment, and be sure to say “you’re welcome” when someone sends it to you. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
TABWAT: Taking a bath with a toaster. “Saying that to my wife would be utter TABWAT.” (Dale Hample)
UPCHUCK: Ugh, parents coupling — hear unrestrained carnal knowledge. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
NERP: Not even remotely possible. (Skip Livingston)
OMPED: Oh my possibly existing deity! (Gregory Koch, Storrs, Conn.)
RACK: Relevant as a couple of Kardashians. “Jesse James’s opinion on gun control is RACK.” (Andy Promisel, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender)
IGNORE: In great need of rapid examination. Use to mark urgent communications. (Roger Hammons, Ashburn, Va.)
SNOR: Something no one reads. “Facebook privacy settings? SNOR.” (Kevin Dopart)
MEATLOAF: Moth-eaten aardvark tasting like old ankle fat. “So what’s for lunch in the cafeteria today?” (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)
MHIFOE: My hovercraft is full of eels. (John Shea, Philadelphia)
DOH: Disastrous one-time hookup. “She was fun last weekend — headed for the doctor now. DOH.” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
JIHAD: I hate jokes about dyslexia. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
NYRAB: New Year’s resolution already broken. “Sneaked out for a quick puff. NYRAB.” (Ari Unikoski, Tel Aviv)
MABU: Missing as Britney’s underwear. “Where were you last night? MABU again!” (Bill Smith, Reston, Va.)
MAYAN: Much apocalyptic yammering about nothing. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)
PEWEE: Perfect in every way except endowment. (Tom Witte)
WABOB: What a bunch of bull. “Put guns in schools? WABOB.” (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
WAUGAS: Who among us gives a [something]? (Cathy Lamaze)
WWIF: Wait while I flush. “I’ll upload the pic I just took — WWIF.” (Kevin Dopart)
PICBIRD: Pretending I care but I really don’t. “Sry yr parents r getting divorced. #PICBIRD.” (Ivars Kuskevics, Takoma Park, Md., a First Offender)
TTTTTTTTTT: Thumbs too tired to text today. Try texting tomorrow. Till then, ta ta. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
Acronyms to supplement LOL:
GUMBE: Giggled until my bladder emptied. (Mark Holland, Danville, Va.)
LOLIGAG: Laughing out loud in giant animated giggles. (Robert Schechter)
SMOOON: Spewing milk out of one nostril. (Chris Doyle)
LAYNWY: Laughing at you, not with you. (Robert Schechter)
OSCC: Only sound: crickets chirping. “Yuk yuk. Hilarious. OSCC.” (Michael Reinemer, Annandale, Va.)
FEFSI: Funny enough for the Style Invitational. (Robert Schechter)
Still running — deadline Monday night — is our annual obit-poem contest. See bit.ly/invite1004.
Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational, in which the Empress discusses today’s new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you’d like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at firstname.lastname@example.org (note that in the subject line) and she’ll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in.
Next week’s results: Wring Out the OED, or Oxforgeries, our Week 1002 contest, in which we asked you to coin bogus definitions for obscure words.