Your mama’s butt’s so big, she’s a foot taller when she sits down.
This week we visit — for the first time in its own Invitational contest — one of the most venerable forms of humor, the beloved your-mama joke. (The Wikipedia entry comprehensively termed “maternal insult” cites examples dating back to Shakespeare: “Chiron: ‘Thou hast undone our mother.’ Aaron: ‘Villain, I have done thy mother.’ ”) Invite Loser Dion Black of Washington posted the joke above recently on Facebook in the genre’s classic street grammar (prompting Loser Anne Paris to suggest this contest); we’ll be using standard English as above. This week: Tell an original “your mama” insult joke. Utter uniqueness might be impossible, but let’s do our best to come up with something new. As we will from here on in, we’re limiting you to “only” 25 entries per person. (No, the rule does not concern sane people; however, a few people out there often send dozens of entries a week — one Loser once sent 750, prompting a memorable Empress Tanty.)
Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second prize receives a pink lollipop with a real scorpion embedded in it — we’ll call it the I’m Gonna Get You Sucker. Plus a pack of Instant Dinosaurs — little pellets that, after soaking in water, spring up into spongy dino-objects. These were bought in a science museum (!) by Melissa Yorks.
Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to firstname.lastname@example.org or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 22; results published, whuh-oh, Sept. 11 (Sept. 9 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 932” in your e-mail subject line, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week’s results is by Roy Ashley; this week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Hazle.
in which we asked you to cite a movie title and supply a question it could answer. We were not at all surprised the number of fart jokes for “Gone With the Wind,” none of which gets ink.
Answer: I’m Still Here.
Question:What is considered a lame answer to the question “Do you still love me?” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
2. Winner of the note paper made of panda poo: A.Toy Story.
Q. Whom did Sarah Palin name as her favorite Russian author? (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)
3. A. Bye Bye Birdie.
Q. What entry follows “Bye Bye Elin” in Tiger Woods’s diary? (Bruce Harris, Scotch Plains, N.J.)
4. A. Groundhog Day.
Q. What was the sequel to “Groundhog Day”? (John O’Byrne, Dublin; Evan Hadley, Potomac, Md.)
Dead Poets Society: What group has about the same annual income as the Live Poets Society? (Randy Lee, doing volunteer work in Kibwezi, Kenya)
Say Anything: As a TV pundit, if you can’t say anything nice, what do you do? (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Winnie the Pooh: What did Mrs. Churchill shout to her husband as he stepped off the curb? (Philip Justus, Potomac, Md., a First Offender)
Cape Fear: What does the prospect of another Superman movie trigger? (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
Return of the Jedi: What occurs the day after you receive a Yoda bobblehead for Christmas? (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg, Md.)
Salt: What can Donovan McNabb successfully pass? (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
A Clockwork Orange: What was that Robert Frost poem about the passage of time, the one he never finished? (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
Stand by Me: What does Tom Cruise always say to Danny DeVito at photo ops? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
The Italian Job: Given the way the media and police make his life so difficult, how does Silvio Berlusconi portray himself? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
A Man Apart: What did Lorena Bobbitt take in 1993? (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)
Anger Management: What are you trying to do by pasting up those Dilbert comics all over your cubicle? (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)
The English Patient: Tell us, Tarzan, what makes you think Jane will wait for you? (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.)
Arms and the Man: What are the Secret Service nicknames for Michelle and Barack Obama? (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, Md.)
Black Swan: Which swan always gets killed first in swan slasher movies? (Tom Witte)
Woodstock: What do even vegans admit is a terrible base for a soup? (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va.)
Twelve Monkeys: Who were the jurors at the Scopes trial? (Dave Ferry, Key West, Fla.)
The Godfather Part 2: What was discovered some time later in a New Jersey swamp? (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
Fly Away Home: What was the original title for the movie “Up”? (David Litman, Arlington, Va.)
Cool Hand Luke: What did Princess Leia tell her brother after his limb replacement surgery? (Trevor Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.)
Exodus: What do you get when Mel Gibson walks into a synagogue? (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland)
On the Waterfront: Where do all eyes focus during a wet-T-shirt contest? (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)
Stand and Deliver:What’s the motto of the Acme Alternative Birthing Clinic? (Steve Dantzler, Gaithersburg, a First Offender; Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.; Steve Shapiro, Alexandria, Va.)
Salt: Granted, the best thing about that Angelina Jolie movie was the popcorn. But what was the second-best thing? (Brendan Beary)
The Pelican Brief: What is Hanes’s latest line of underwear that’s extra-roomy in front? (Larry Gray)
The King’s Speech: What is usually summarized as “Thank you. Thank you very much”? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Captain America: What are congressional leaders woefully unable to do? (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)
The Kids Are All Right: What was the foster agency’s review of the Bachmann household? (Kevin Dopart)
One Hundred Men and a Girl: What did Jenna Jameson do last night? (Dion Black, Washington)
The Bonfire of the Vanities: What ritual marks the climax of the Guild of Bathroom Remodelers’ annual jamboree? (Ken Fishbein, Laurel, Md., who last got Invite ink in 1998)
The 400 Blows: So what do you think of high society? (Richard Liebmann-Smith, New York, a First Offender)
The Color Purple: What will Prince Charles wear to his mother’s funeral? (Kelly Bielewicz, Newark, Del.)
The Cotton Club: What’s not likely to give you much of a concussion? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
Watership Down: What do you have to do to a vessel after a flock of seagulls has flown over it? (Edward Gordon, Austin)
Milk: What slang term means “mother I’d like to kiss”? (Chris Doyle, vacationing in Minsk, Belarus)
And last: The Birdcage: Honey, have you seen this week’s Style Invitational? (Edmund Conti)
Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational, where the Empress discusses today’s new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you’d like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at email@example.com (note that in the subject line) and she’ll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in.
Next week: Now sit right back, or Avast! Wasteland!