Style Invitational Week 958: Do weller with wellerisms

“We’ll have to rehearse that,” said the undertaker as the coffin fell out of the car.

“It was a night to remember,” said John Bobbitt’s ER surgeon.

The Style Invitational

The Style Invitational is The Post’s weekly humor/wordplay contest, serving up since 1993 an irreverent mix of highbrow and lowbrow -- haughty and potty -- in genres ranging from neologisms to cartoon captions to elaborate song parodies. A new contest appears at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational every Friday.

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(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)

It’s called a wellerism, after two witty characters named Weller in Dickens’s “Pickwick Papers.” It’s a sentence that starts with a quote, often a short proverb, and goes on to include some sort of wordplay on something in the quote. Stuart Rogers of Toronto saw the first example above in a recent contest from A.Word.A.Day; he figured that the Invitational Losers might do better. Or weller. So, in honor of Dickens’s bicentenary this month, let’s give it a try. This, like the similar Tom Swifty genre, is a pretty easy contest to come up with something for; the trick is to make it novel, perhaps timely, and especially clever.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a trophy that’s arguably even nicer: this little pewterish bucking horse whose hindquarters are on a spring; it’s basically a bobblebutt. Donated by Such a Loser Craig Dykstra.

Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 20; results published March 11 (March 9 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 958” in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Kevin Dopart; the subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Brad Alexander. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.

Report from Week 954

in which we asked for jokes ending “. . . and then the fight started.” Not all that surprisingly, only a few entries transcended the “Lockhorns”-type mean-spouse digs that the genre is known for.

The winner of the Inker

Mechanic: “Your car’s engine is in bad shape. But it’s kind of hard to explain.”
Customer: “Go ahead. I’m an engineer.”
Mechanic: “Well, lady. Basically Mr. Vroom Vroom is verrrry sick . . .
And then the fight started . . . (David Genser, Poway, Calif.)

2. Winner of the books “Go to Hell” and “Fart Proudly”:
Religious guy: “What will save this country is the Peace of God.”
Secular guy: No, no, we need a peace based on rational principles of self-preservation.”
And then . . . (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)

3. Barack Obama: “I . . .”
And then the fight started. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

4. “Turn right at the next corner,” Siri said, but my car’s navigation system interrupted and said, “Turn left.”
If Siri had eyeballs, she would have rolled them. “Dashboard lady,” she said, “where did you get your maps? Did Vasco da Gama have a garage sale?”
And then . . . (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)

Joust kidding: Honorable mentions

Watching schoolkids go by, a Southern Baptist groused to the man next to him, “I can’t believe the clothes they allow children to wear.”
 “And don’t get me started on the swearing and blasphemy,” the man replied.
 “Yup,” seconded the Southern Baptist. “You’ll never see my children involved in such sinful activity.”
 “Mine, neither,” replied the man enthusiastically, “Praise Allah.”
 And then . . . (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)