“. . . Sip gently, slowly, or one is in danger of not only missing the subtleties of the milk’s texture and its terroir. . . . Tuscan is best drunk young — I recommend pairing with freshly baked macadamia nut scones. Milk Expectorator gives this one a 92.”
The paean above to a jug of Tuscan brand whole milk, by Philip Tone, is an excerpt from one of more than 1,300 joke reviews of this particular product on Amazon.com, which lets just about any store advertise on its Web pages. (See the whole thing at amzn.to/invmilk.) And there are similarly hilarious “reviews” for many other everyday products. This week, in a contest suggested by 143-time Loser Larry Yungk: Send us a creative “review” for any of the items below that are listed on Amazon. The reviews must not be unfair to the manufacturer and seller. Do NOT post the reviews directly to Amazon until we post the results online March 23 — if we see them there before then, we’ll disqualify them. While the ones on Amazon often run several hundred words, we’re looking for much shorter reviews; 75 words would be lengthy for us. Use these links to find the exact product to “review” on Amazon.com.
The Style Invitational
The Style Invitational is The Post’s weekly humor/wordplay contest, serving up since 1993 an irreverent mix of highbrow and lowbrow -- haughty and potty -- in genres ranging from neologisms to cartoon captions to elaborate song parodies. A new contest appears at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational every Friday.
“World’s best dish cloths”
“Revlon compact emery boards”
“Dual Duty Plus All-Purpose Thread 400 Yards-White”
“Clipper-mate pocket comb 5” all fine teeth”
“Morton Iodized Salt 26 oz”
Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an excellent pair of owl-vomit boluses, donated by prize-donator extraordinaire Cheryl Davis. Owls swallow their prey without chewing it up (having no teeth) and so they spit out big balls of stuff from which you can extract all kinds of mouse and bird parts. Doing that is exactly like discovering diamonds in the ground.
Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to email@example.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 5; results published March 25 (March 23 online). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 960” in your e-mail subject line or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Brad Alexander; the subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Tom Witte. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev .
Report from Week 956
in which we asked for ways to know that you know it’s a bad [any of five things we supplied; results for the fifth category, marriage, will appear next week]:
The winner of the Inker
You know it’s going to be a bad speech when it’s a little too obvious that the speaker is using the “imagine the audience naked” trick. (Noah Meyerson, Washington)
2. Winner of the genuine livestock-altering tool: You know it’s going to be a bad hotel when it accepts frequent-passenger miles from Greyhound. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)