“Our seedy pick of the week . . .”
“Moron Afghan refugees in a moment.”
“ . . . rated by Rodent Track magazine . . .”
Invitational reader Bruce Ferguson gets a lot of his news and music from the radio, and while he’s never had Invite ink, he clearly thinks in a Loserly way, as evidenced by the above phrases that he’s heard on the air recently. This week: Give us a sentence or short dialogue that would be a lot funnier if a word in it were mistaken for a homophone of that word, as in Bruce’s examples above.
Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a Superfly Monkey, a stuffed animal that catapults from your fingertips when you pull back on its elastic arms and sails a remarkable distance while letting loose an annoying scream. This prize would have been a big hit when we gave it out for Week 826, except that its donor, Lois Douthitt, managed to win it back (this has happened to Invite prize-donors more than once; we don’t use the term “Loser” for nothing). This time Phil Frankenfeld is the donor; let’s see if he’s luckier. See a video of Superfly in action at bit.ly/monkeyslingshot.
Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to
or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 10; results published Sept. 30 (online Sept. 27). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 986” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline for the “next week’s results” line was submitted by both Jeff Contompasis and Nan Reiner. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
Report from Week 982
Our annual-or-so song parody contest: This time the restriction was that you had to include an actual line from the song you were parodying. Click on the link in each song to hear the melody on YouTube; I’ve found that the best way to do this is to click on the link, start up the video at the specified point (on some of them, you have to wait five seconds so you can skip the rest of the commercial) and then go back to the parody lyrics while you hear the music — it’s fun to sing along, too, although this is not recommended during certain religious services.
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
The Congressional Theme Song
(to “I Won’t Grow Up,” from “Peter Pan”)
We won’t grow up!
We don’t wanna legislate.
We are always out campaigning
Till the next election date.
We just cast votes for special perks;
On all the rest, the filibuster works.
We’ll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up —
We won’t grow up!
We will never compromise;
To obstruct the other party
Is our one and only prize.
We’ve pledged to veto every tax
For Grover Norquist and the super-PACs.
We’ll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up –
We’re hacks! (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)