Electrify chess pieces so that voltage steadily increases until somebody makes a move.
If you take more than 60 seconds to take your turn in Scrabble, your opponent gets to whack your knuckles with his tile rack.
In a 4G world, who has the patience for 1G sports? When the two-minute warning means that the game should be over in a half-hour or so, you might as well compensate with some other pastimes that we could speed up to fit our ever more frantically ticking clocks. Loser Mike Gips suggests: Suggest ways to make sports and other leisure activities more time-efficient or exciting, as in Mike’s examples above.
The Style Invitational
The Style Invitational is The Post’s weekly humor/wordplay contest, serving up since 1993 an irreverent mix of highbrow and lowbrow -- haughty and potty -- in genres ranging from neologisms to cartoon captions to elaborate song parodies. A new contest appears at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational every Friday.
Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives — speaking of novel pastimes — a pair of actual three-sided dice, intended for those who lack the dexterity to play Rock-Paper-Scissors in the usual manner. “Loser logic at its finest,” notes donor Jeff Contompasis, since this method requires a suitable dice-rolling surface. Jeff also includes a bonus prize of official USDA instructions on “Obliterating Animal Carcasses With Explosives” (e.g., “Horseshoes should be removed to minimize dangerous flying debris”).
Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to
or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 24; results published Oct. 14 (online Oct. 12). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 988” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline in the “Next week’s results” line is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
Report from Week 984
in which we asked you to write something in which each successive word started with the next letter of the alphabet — in either direction. And you could even turn around and switch directions, or head from Z on to A or vice versa (“A,” “and” and “the” could be added anywhere). This contest prompted a number of entrants to force the Empress to slog through 26-word and longer sentences (Judge to E: “For giving ink to that atrocious pun, you will hereby serve a 26-word sentence, and surrender your tiara immediately”) that all seemed to be about xanthippic yaks or yapping zebras. She will spare you further, and instead show how it’s done right:
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
Z on to A, to Y: Zeroes, athletes, braniacs, cheerleaders, dorks . . . Everybody faking grins . . . (Hey, it’s just kissing!) . . . “Look, Ma, no —” . . . Oops! photos. . . Quotes (really shallow, though) . . . Upperclassmen . . .Varsity winners . . . XOXOXO. Yearbook. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)