Style Invitational Week 992: Mittsterpiece Theatre — How would PBS shows adapt to commercial TV?

Oscar the Grouch becomes the new host of “Hoarders.”

“News12Minutes With Jim Lehrer.”

The Style Invitational

The Style Invitational is The Post’s weekly humor/wordplay contest, serving up since 1993 an irreverent mix of highbrow and lowbrow -- haughty and potty -- in genres ranging from neologisms to cartoon captions to elaborate song parodies. A new contest appears at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational every Friday.

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“Sesame Street” becomes a 20-minute segment of “The Honey Boo Boo Hour.”

One thing Mitt Romney said during the debate that made even President Obama wake up for a minute was his vow to “stop the subsidy to PBS,” even though “I love Big Bird.” (You’d think he would have loved Big Bird’s role in selling $47 million worth of products for the nonprofit Sesame Workshop, but we don’t think that’s what he meant.)

This week, in a contest suggested by Longtime Loser Larry Yungk: Suppose public-TV shows, past or present, were turned out onto the open market to make a living on commercial TV. Tell us what could happen, as in Larry’s examples above.
Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, for once from this contest, money. Two cash prizes, in fact: First, a seat cushion of clear plastic — the stiff kind your great-aunt used to cover her nice upholstery with so that no one would hurt the extra-soft and comfortable fabric — stuffed with genuine finely shredded U.S. currency; it’s being regifted right back to the Invitational by Tom Witte, who won it in Week 164 (1996); I cannot guarantee, however, that it has ever actually cushioned the Hall of Fame Loser’s rear end. And we’ll throw in a genuine rubber $100 bill, donated by Dave Prevar. A budget-stretcher. Or a budget stretcher.

Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 22; results published Nov. 11 (online Nov. 8). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 992” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the “next week’s results” line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.

Report from Week 988

in which we asked for ways to speed up or to add excitement to various sports and leisure activities. Lots of people suggested that NBA games begin in the last five minutes, since that’s all that matters anyway. We said we’d be flexible about what constitutes a leisure activity: So: scratching, okay; even watching paint dry, okay. Doing one’s taxes or talking to tech support, no.

The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial

For speed and excitement: Dog racing: Turn the tables and have the greyhounds chased by genetically modified saber-toothed rabbits. (Martin Bancroft, Rochester, N.Y.)

2. Winner of the three-sided dice plus the instructions on exploding animal carcasses: For speed and excitement: Baseball: Spike their steroids with amphetamines. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)