Style Invitational Week 993: Write some ‘versus’ verses as ‘epic rap battles’

Albert Einstein: “I’m a giant whose shoulders you’d have stood on, if you could stand.

I’ll give you a brief history of pain with the back of my hand.”

The Style Invitational

The Style Invitational is The Post’s weekly humor/wordplay contest, serving up since 1993 an irreverent mix of highbrow and lowbrow -- haughty and potty -- in genres ranging from neologisms to cartoon captions to elaborate song parodies. A new contest appears at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational every Friday.

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. . . vs. Stephen Hawking: “And while it’s true that my work is based on you,

I’m a supercomputer — you’re like a Ti-82.”

— from EpicRapBattlesOfHistory.com

Visit the hilarious, immensely popular Web site Epic Rap Battles of History and you’ll see trash-talkin’ Frank Sinatra vs. Freddie Mercury! Dr. Seuss vs. Shakespeare! Gandalf vs. Dumbledore! Abe Lincoln vs. Chuck Norris! In this brainchild of L.A. improv artists Nice Peter and Lloyd Alquist, the dozens of videos are even funnier than the rap lyrics they contain. But we tend to be Word People over here in Loserland — not to mention that the newsprint Invite doesn’t come with audio, except when you smack it on your leg — and so our version needs to shine on the verses alone. This week: Write a short “rap battle” between any two characters, real or fictional, as in the example above, which quotes two couplets from a 2^1/ ₂-minute video. By short, we mean one or two rhyming couplets per character — so four to eight lines total. As for what counts as rhyme, the Empress might be a wee bit more lenient than usual, but don’t go “rhyming,” say, “stakes” and “blades,” as does one of the Epics. You say you want to make your own video? Sure! Put it on YouTube or another accessible site and send us a link. This contest was suggested by Mike Gips, who heard about Epic Rap Battles from Matt Monitto.

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the edifying volume “Now Wash Your Hands: More Than You Ever Wanted to Know About the Life and Times of the Toilet.” Dumped on us by Longtime Loser Pie Snelson.

Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 29; results published Nov. 18 (online Nov. 15). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 993” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline in the “next week’s results” line is by Edward Gordon. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.

Report from Week 989

in which we asked you to think of two jobs that one person could hold, and explain why:

The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial

If a politician also worked as a firefighter, he’d be able to hose down his own pants. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.)

2. Winner of the possible-to-arrange-tastefully Porkin’ Pigs coin banks: A used-car salesman could moonlight as a body waxer: He’s skilled at the arts of laying it on thick, and ripping off. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)