Winner gets — along with the magnet with the winning slogan — the Inkin’ Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the other magnet we’ll be using, plus a fantasy sci-fi romance novel that its donor, Incredibly Longtime Loser Tom Witte, vows is “the best book ever written.” Sample passage from the paperback: “ ‘Look,’ he said, ‘the sun is beginning to set. It will soon be nightfall.’ She marveled at his wisdom and was in awe of his manhood.” The novel is by Tom’s mother-in-law.
Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get, of course, a Loser magnet, either a new one or one from the old batch. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to
or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 5; results published Nov. 25 (online probably Nov. 23). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 994” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Beverley Sharp; the alternative headline in the “Next week’s results” line is by Dixon Wragg. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
Report from Week 990
in which we asked for jokes about any two people with the same last name (or names pronounced the same): The links on the names are there not just to identify them — don’t write in about the insult to your intelligence — but sometimes offer a little perspective on the jokes; for example, the link on Lil Wayne’s name goes to a sample of his poetry.
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
Cynthia Nixon had sex in the city; Richard Nixon screwed the whole country. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
Winner of the Talking Toilet practical-joke gizmo: Stephen King: Writes about the living dead.
Larry King: Is. (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)
Ken Starr and Ringo Starr: Each was willing to use whatever sticks. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
George Romney and Mitt Romney: One was transparent; the other you can see right through. (John Huber, Montgomery Village, Md., a First Offender)
Nixed of kin: Honorable mentions
Neil Armstrong and Lance Armstrong: One took a giant leap forward for mankind. (Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)
Bill Russell and Jane Russell: Known for great two-pointers. (Kevin Dopart)
Jack Ryan and Paul Ryan collaborate in “The Hunt for Red-State November.” (Chris O’Carroll, Emporia, Kan.)
Robert E. Lee took off up North. Gypsy Rose Lee took off “down south.” (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
Dave Matthews leads a band; Chris Matthews preaches to the choir. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.)
Jon Stewart wears his convictions on his sleeve; Martha Stewart had to wear hers on her ankle. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.)
Bruce Lee and Robert E. Lee: Both were born in the United States yet became famous working in another country. (David Ballard, Reston)
William S. Burroughs and Edgar Rice Burroughs: Tarzan eat naked lunch every day. What big deal? (Chris O’Carroll)
Commodore Perry: “We have met the enemy and they are ours.” Rick Perry: “I have met the enemy and he is me.” (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Ben Jonson and Davey Johnson: One knew that “The Devil Is an Ass,” but the other had never heard of Peter Angelos. (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)
Jim Bowie and David Bowie: Both are famous as blades. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
Robin Roberts and John Roberts: Either one could throw a heck of a curveball. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Eddie Cantor and Eric Cantor: Each seemed to have the same guiding principle: “Bring Down the House.” (Travis McKinney, San Antonio)
Joyce Kilmer co-wrote with Billy Kilmer: “I think the world will never see/ A decent spiral thrown by me.” (Joel Cockrell, Damascus, Md.)
Dave Barry and Marion Barry: One of them thinks Crack Pipe Mayor would be a good name for a rock band. (Chris O’Carroll)
Sherlock Holmes was featured in “A Study in Scarlet.” John C. Holmes could have been featured in “A Stud in Scarlett.” (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Tobey McGuire and Mark McGwire: After he acquired superpowers from a dangerous chemical that surged into his bloodstream, he put on a costume and wowed crowds with feats of superhuman strength. The other was in “Spider-Man.” (David Genser)
J.S. Bach and Barbara Bach: Serious bragging rights if either ever touched your organ. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
Michael Collins looked at clouds from even more sides than Judy Collins did. (Kevin Dopart)
Ralph Reed and Rex Reed would make such a cute couple. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Bruce Wayne and Lil Wayne: One has an alter ego that serves up poetic justice; the other is an alter ego that serves up an injustice to poetry. (Jon Reiser)
If Robert Frost had bumped into Jack Frost, he would have written: The woods are lovely, I suppose... / But who’s this creep that nips my nose? (Beverley Sharp)
Unlike with George Bailey, the world wouldn’t suffer if Beetle Bailey vanished today. (Kevin Dopart)
Bobby Baker and Tammy Faye Bakker both employed elaborate cover-ups, but Bobby’s didn’t end up dripping all over his face. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)
Unlike Prince George’s County’s Leslie Johnson,
Lyndon didn’t hide anything under his shirt. (Kevin Dopart)
Isabel Briggs Myers and Pat Myers: For Week 995, they’d suggest the hilarious match of an ISTJ with an ENFP. (Jim Deutsch, Washington)
Many people anxiously await both Seth Meyers’s and Pat Myers’s weekend updates. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)
Still running — deadline Monday night — is the contest to write a mini-Epic Rap Battle between two historical figures. See bit.ly/inv993.
Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational (published late Thursday afternoon), in which the Empress discusses today’s new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you’d like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at firstname.lastname@example.org (note that in the subject line) and she’ll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in.
Next week’s results: Tour de Fours IX: V-O-T-E Now, or InviTE VOodoo, the contest in which we asked you to coin new terms incorporating the letter block V, O, T and E in any order.