’Tis the season for newspaper articles to begin with “ ’Tis the season,” and this week we’ll do our part and remind you to support any or all of the literally thousands of charities you can assist through United Way or the Combined Federal Campaign. On the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook, Not-Yet-a-Loser Daphne Steinberg noted that the CFC “Catalog of Caring” (bit.ly/cfc-2012) lists such diverse organizations as the National Speleological Society (preserving caves) and Dogs Finding Dogs (using dogs to find lost dogs, duh). Yes, we know that all of those causes are worthy ones, so Daphne thinks the Loser Community ought to come up with some that aren’t: This week: Name a dubious charity and describe its mission. You might also want to include a line from its pitch to potential donors.
Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a prize we’ve been waiting all year to give out: a genuine caganer, brought back from Barcelona by Loser Elizabeth Molye. A caganer is a traditional figurine that’s placed in Catalan Nativity scenes and depicts a cherubic child who is blithely, well, pooping away in a manger. This one is only about two inches high.
(Pat Myers) - For a mangy scene: A traditional caganer figurine from Barcelona.
Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, possibly the new model whose slogan will be determined in the Week 994 contest. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to
or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 26; results published Dec. 16 (online Dec. 13). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 997” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Chris Doyle.; the alternative headline for the “Next week’s results” line is by Tom Witte. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
Report from Week 993
in which we asked you to engage two historical or fictional figures in a mini-version of Epic Rap Battles of History, the immensely popular video site. It won’t shock regular Invite readers that we ended up not caring so much if the cleverest rhymes hadn’t so much a phat beat as a fat beat.
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
Aunt Jemima vs. Mrs. Butterworth:
Aunt J: You got an old-lady voice that always sounds so proper!
Always hating on the leading runny pancake topper!
You say you’re thick and rich, now that’s hard to chew —
You’re just a talking plastic bottle! I’ll recycle you!
Mrs. B: You’re better than me, huh? You’d better check your label:
It’s not just me who’s putting hexametaphosphate on the table!
You’re just jealous of the squeezing that I get every day—
You’re an aunt, but I’m a Mrs., and that’s all I’m gonna say! (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)