The first round of ‘Another Round’: The results of Week CXII (2002)

The Style Invitational contest “Another Round of Bierce” asked readers to come up with cynical definitions of words à la those in Ambrose Bierce’s “Devil’s Dictionary” of 1911 (results published April 14, 2002, and reprinted here).

See the encore presentation of this contest, Week 946 (Nov. 18, 2011), at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational.) Also below are the results of Week 860 (April 2010), which sought similar definitions in exactly 10 words for addition to the Ten Word Wiki website.

The Style Invitational

The Style Invitational is The Post’s weekly humor/wordplay contest, serving up since 1993 an irreverent mix of highbrow and lowbrow -- haughty and potty -- in genres ranging from neologisms to cartoon captions to elaborate song parodies. A new contest appears at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational every Friday.

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Report from Week CXII:

Fifth Runner-Up: Lottery: A tax on poor math skills. (Id Rooney, Arlington, Va.)

Fourth Runner-Up: Leader: One who follows loudly. (Tom Rogers, Oakton, Va)

Third Runner-Up: Potential: The measure of a person’s lack of achievement. (Eva Moore, Ithaca, N.Y.)

Second Runner-Up: Role Model: A professional athlete whose conduct rises to the level expected of everyone else. (Chris Doyle, Burke, Va.)

First Runner-Up: Aging: Paced dying. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia, Md.)

And the winner of the genuine Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey clown mask and nose:

Peacetime: When there are no wars anywhere you care about. (Mike Genz, La Plata, Md.)

Honorable Mentions:

E-mail: An urban legend delivery system. (Morgan Malino, Fremont, Calif.)

Deadline: A predetermined time by which an excuse must be fabricated as to why something was not completed. (Ken Advent, Parma, Ohio)

Reform: The attempt to restructure inequities to your advantage. (Russell Beland, Springfield, Va.)

Reform: Periodic replacement of one unworkable political system by another. (Ken Advent)

Telemarketer: A Caller ID salesman. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke, Va.)

Righteous: What self-righteous people think they are. (John Griessmayer)

Social Security: The world’s largest pyramid scheme. (Elliott Schiff, Orefield, Pa.)

Religion: A singular form of gambling in which one may never be sure of which game one is playing, the rules of the game, the value of one’s chips, whether the casino will honor those chips, or if indeed there is a casino at all. (Id Rooney, Arlington, Va.)

Foreign: Not yet American. (Marc Hirsh, Somerville, Mass.)

Celebrity: One who suffers from an odd mental condition, defined by the desire for solitude and the pursuit of recognition. (Mark Young, Washington)

Sophistry: Reasoning used by your opponent. (Mike Genz)

Taxes: Money you complain about giving the government to pay for services whose absence you would complain about. (John O’Hanlon, Germantown, Md.)

Cleavage: The part of the anatomy that a woman exposes for the purpose of having men not stare at it. (John O’Hanlon)

Fanatic: Someone devoted to a cause in which you do not believe. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Manager: Someone who doesn’t know what you do but knows what it is worth. (Mary Claire Salander, Arlington, Va.)

Lawyer: One to whom you give money to prevent another from taking it. (Seth Brown)

Child Support: The percentage of your income you are willing to sacrifice in exchange for parental responsibility. (Mary Claire Salander)