These are the results — first published April 16, 2000, and July 31, 2005 — from the previous two times The Style Invitational ran the contest that we do once again in Week 1009. See bit.ly/invite1009 for directions on entering this week’s contest.
REPORT FROM WEEK VIII, in which we asked you to emulate a recent magazine story about David Gergen that used only the letters in David Gergen’s name. We received the following communication from one Francis Heaney, the author of the magazine story, who complained that we should have given him credit. He made this complaint in an e-mail employing only the letters in the name Francis Heaney: “His anarchic, fancy-free farce earns Francis nary a reference? Fishy!”
I, James Carville, am clear:
I rave, I slam as I smear.
I revile, I am vile,
I release slime as I smile.
I serve evil as a career.
(Earle M. Crum, Seabrook, Tex.)
Diana, the Princess of Wales:
A car careens: I die, in Paris, France. Crowds near a palace and pile flowers. In a slow parade, princes and lower classes pass a pained slew of Windsors. An earl’s screed assails a flawed clan (inside, no one claps).
Sadness increases sales of “Candle in the Wind” and old dresses. Laid cold on an isle, I fade as roses do. A world cares, cries, and, wearied, presses on. (Paul McClure, Washington)
Cher: Echhh. (Malcolm Visser, Clifton)
And the winner of the Y2K Apocalypse book:
Monica Lewinsky: Well, I was, like, a woman, y’know. William was, y’know, like, a man. So I’m, like, so lonely. Willie is, like, well, Willie. Anyway, a wink, some skin, “lookie lookie,” we make some nookie. Willie says, “Nice melons.” I mean, like, wow! Willie was mine, I was Willie’s. No one knew! So I’m, like, seein’ Willie, only slyly. Anyways, I’m, like, callin’ Lin. So we yak ‘n’ yak. I’m like, well, me ‘n’ Willie, y’know? Lin’s like, “Wow, Willie?” So I say, “Yes, Willie.”
Anyway, now Lin knows. Once I was, like, “Lin, is a click on my line?” Lin says, “A click? No.” Well, as we all know now, a click WAS on my line. Now, Ken comes in. Now I’m, like, NEWS! Monica mania! I’m, like, a mess. Ken is, like, so asinine. Ken was on a mission. Ken is, like, soooooo my enemy! Lin was so sneaky. Lin is a swine. Oink oink. Willie? Well, I say Slick Willie will owe someone some alimony. Me? Well, now I’m, like, a well-known woman. Now I can make me some money. Way cool. Awesome.
(Richard Grossman, McLean)
Jennifer Lopez: Jeez, no zipper! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Augusto Pinochet: Once again I cheat the noose. Nothing: no accusations, no sentence, no opinion, no conscience, no constitution, no such passing hopes can push us to account. (Frank Kenesson, Waterford, Va.)
Alexander Hamilton: Dad and Mom are not married. It tainted him (he hated men, not man). Later, he made, examined, then mailed, a detailed note to The Main Man (the real mentor and hero to the landed) to tell him that Tom meant the Elite to lead the nation. He hated Tom. Did Tom hate him? No one had an idea. Tom, not Alex, landed a home near the National Mall. Then Alex met Aaron, a deadlier threat to him, and died. The end. (Reid Williamson, Annandale)