The Style Invitational ‘joint legislation’ results with translations

August 1, 2013

In the Style Invitational’s usually biennial “joint legislation” contest, we ask you to combine the names of two or more (often many more) freshman members of the House and/or Senate to create a humorously fitting bill. This summer, for Week 1028, we offered a bonus contest, using the all-freshman First U.S. Congress (1789-91).

But as usual with this contest, some of the entries, with their sound-based jokes, might prove to be wig-scratchingly puzzling. For example, it might not be aaaahb-vious that “Hartley-King-Sevier-Lee,” in this week’s fourth-place winner, is supposed to might ahhhhhb-viously be read as “heart leaking severely.” The inking entries below were all clear to me, but as Empress, when I’m reading close to 2,000 of these things in the space of a few days, I get pretty good at decoding them. (To read about some of the entries I didn’t get, see my Style Conversational column at bit.ly/conv1032.

So here’s an alternative version of the results of Week 1028, with translations or explanations after most of the entries. But you should definitely try to read the “legislation” first without the answers: see bit.ly/invite1032 for the unexplained results, along with this week’s new and very fun contest.

The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

The Johnson-Sevier-Lee-Lee-King bill to establish the key rule for ending a filibuster. (Doug Hamilton, College Park, Md.) [Johnson severely leaking]

2. Winner of the stress-reduction squeeze toy in the shape of the Capitol dome: The Tucker-Few-Moore-Wadsworth bill to support business as usual among Virginia governors and D.C. Council members. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) [“Tuck a few more wads’ worth,” a reference to various recent money scandals”]

3. The White-Few-Scott-Moore “1 Percent Solution” bill to establish an enduring division of wealth and power in America. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) [White few’s got more]

4. The White-Parker-Ames-Gunn-Brown-Walker-Hartley-King-Sevier-Lee bill to revoke Florida’s “stand your ground” law. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.) [White parker aims gun; brown walker heart leaking severely]

Low resolutions: honorable mentions

The Sherman-Schureman Resolution to not raise taxes. (Anne Shively, Broadlands, Va.) [“Sure, man, sure, man ...”]

The Foster-Huger-Partridge-Carroll bill establishing 24 days of Christmas. (Seth Tucker, Washington) [expanding the song “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” a.k.a. “A Partridge in a Pear Tree”]

The Few-Hawkins-Sumter-Read bill for emergency newsstand construction. (Chuck Blahous, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) [Few hawkin’ sumpin’ to read]

The Brown-Bloodworth-White-Gunn amendment, clarifying which takes precedence if the Second and 14th Amendments ever are in conflict. (Danny Bravman, Chicago) [Brown blood worth white gun]

The Bourne-Bland bill to establish a Romney family museum. (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.)

The King-Lee-Johnson-Izard-Lee-Huger bill to affirm the equality of royalty and the common folk. (Doug Hamilton) [Kingly johnson is hardly huger.]

The Jackson-Paterson Proposition to revisit charges of inappropriate conduct by the King of Pop. (Craig Dykstra) [Pat her son.]

The Moore-Brown-Butler bill to commemorate the contributions of Paula Deen. (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.) [Referring to the Southern chef’s wistful musing on how nice it would be to throw a wedding in which the servants were portraying slaves]

The Boudinot-Johnson Act to determine the types of nudity permitted to be shown on basic cable. (Tom Rowe, Olney, Md., a First Offender) [Booty, not johnson]

The Parker-Muhlenberg Act to construct urban hitching posts. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) [Park a mule in burg]

Monroe-Foster-Steele-Moore-Lee-King Jamaican Shipbuilding Assistance Act. (Lisa Henderson, Chevy Chase, Md.) [Mon, row faster! Still more leaking!]

Bassett-Walker Act to provide jobs for height-challenged Americans. (Todd Petree, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender) [As in the stumpy-legged basset hound]

The Walker-Clymer-Boudinot-Huger stay-in-shape resolution. (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.) [Walker, climber: booty not huger]

The Lee-Moore-Lee resolution to add another dozen historical markers in Virginia. (Joy Sibley, Fairfax, Va.) [Robert E. Lee, Richard Henry Lee, etc.]

The Maclay-Gunn Act to investigate the high percentage of escapes from prisons that give pottery classes. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) [My clay gun]

The Lee-Lee-White anti-immigration resolution. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.; Scott Boller, Centreville, Va., a First Offender) [Lily white]

The Morris-Moore Resolution decrying minimalist architecture. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Carol Ostrow, Laurel, Md.) [More is more.]

The Laurance-Livermore-Huger-Steele-Gunn appropriations bill to develop intercontinental cannonball technology before the British do. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) [As in the Lawrence Livermore federal nuclear-weapons laboratory]

The Huger-Johnson bill to erect the Washington Monument. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

The Ames-Brown-Hawkins Act to keep the congressional cuspidors cleaner. (Susan Thompson, Cary, N.C.)

The Huger-Lee-Izard Act to increase defense spending to prevent Godzilla attacks. (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.) [Huger lizard]

The Walker-Tucker-Clymer Act to encourage our young men to increase the population of this great nation by any means possible. (Andy Promisel, Fairfax, Va.; Mark Raffman) [Walk her, tuck her, climb her]

The Brown-Clymer Act, making it illegal to engage in sycophantic behavior for career advancement. (Dawn Kral, La Plata, Md., a First Offender) [a combination of brown-nosing and social climbing]

The Grayson-Brown-Scott-Moore-White Act granting a patent to the inventor of laundry detergent. (Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.) [Grays and browns got more white]

The Huger-Ashe amendment to require slender womenfolk to wear bustles. (Andrea Kelly, Ashton, Md.)

The Tucker-Boudinot resolution to promote the wearing of thongs with a “Just Say Yes to Crack” campaign. (Randy Lee, Burke, Va.)[Tuck her booty — not!]

The Lee Izard King Resolution: Decrying congressional deadlock, since the “time to hesitate is through; no time to wallow in the mire.” (Russ Taylor, Vienna, Va.,) [Lizard King, the nickname of Jim Morrison of the Doors; the quote is a line from the Doors song “Light My Fire”]

The Contee-Read-Page Act to prohibit stupid questions about the bill at issue during floor debates. (Danielle Nowlin)[Can’t he read (the) page?]

The Partridge-Bourne-Gunn Act to outlaw frightening new drone technology. (Doug Hamilton)[Partridge-borne gun]

The Sevier-Lee-White-Boudinot-Goodhue Act to promote nude sunbathing. (Tom Rowe) [Severely white booty not good hue!]

The Wadsworth-Morris-Goodhue-Moore Act to declare, “Give us levity or give us death!” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) [What’s worth more is good humor]

The Thatcher-Gunn Resolution that if you see something, say something. (Brian Cohen, Lexington, Va.) [That your gun?]

The White-Johnson Act establishing minimum qualifications for election to the Second Congress (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

Few-Read-Elmer-Lee-Dickinson legislation to support goofy hick relatives of poets. (Todd Petree) [probably not the real goofy hick relative of Emily Dickinson]

The Schureman-Sherman bill to change affirmative votes from “aye” to something more mellow. (Tim Watts, Reston, Va., a First Offender) [Sure, man, sure, man]

The Bland-Strong-Clymer-Parker Act allowing NSA to reveal superheroes’ identities. (Kevin Dopart) [as in Peter Parker, aka Spider-Man]

The Grayson-Madison-Parker Resolution to encourage continued use of trendy baby names. This resolution is opposed by the writers of the Elmer-Floyd-Silvester Resolution, who advocate a return to the basics. (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va.)

The Few-Moore-Read-Page Resolution commending the Sunday Style section for putting the Invitational on the back cover. (Gary Crockett)

See The Style Conversational for a look at some real stumpers — ones that took the collective minds of the Style Invitational Devotees to figure out.

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