Editor’s note: Nothing stirs up questions for Carolyn Hax like a wedding. And many a bridesmaid has wondered how to navigate the role as supporting cast. Here, we round up some of Carolyn’s most interesting advice for members of the wedding party from the last 15 years.
April 2013: The would-be bridesmaid and the baby
Carolyn Hax
Carolyn Hax started her advice column in 1997 as a weekly feature for The Washington Post, accompanied by the work of “relationship cartoonist” Nick Galifianakis. She is the author of “Tell Me About It” (Miramax, 2001), and the host of a live online discussion on Fridays at noon.
(Nick Galifianakis)
She the People
A state celebrates its progressive legacy while protests question its future.
Hi Carolyn:
I have a friend who I thought was a really close friend. I backed out of being her bridesmaid because I am due to give birth that same month; I apologized profusely and gave seven months’ notice. I have gotten the cold shoulder since.
She has a long history of being extremely passive aggressive to others when they “wrong” her in some way that normally, after some time, she gets over. Despite her saying that “everything is fine,” she has not accepted any of my invitations, nor has she invited me to anything.
I know it’s time to cut my losses, but I’m having a hard time doing it. What do you think?
She sounds less like a friend and more like a narcissist. I’m sorry.
Yes, it’s time to back off. If Miffy’s disappearance is about something other than being miffed at you, then she’ll come around when she’s ready to.
***
July 2012: Self-conscious about being a bridesmaid
Hi, Carolyn:
My brother is five years younger than I am, and he is getting married. His fiance asked me to be one of five bridesmaids. We are not particularly close, but I think she extended the bridesmaid invite as a social grace that I certainly appreciate.
I have 4-year-old and 9-month-old children and am having trouble losing weight. All of the bridesmaids are young, mid-20s, and have cute bodies. I am hesitant to accept the bridesmaid invitation because I do not want to stick out as the Fat Old Bridesmaid.
If we were close, I would suck it up and go anyway. But we are not, and it seems like I would be putting myself through unnecessary self-conscious behavior. What do you think about this?
I see where you’re coming from, but this also saddens me. If you hide yourself because you think your body isn’t “cute” enough, then you might be avoiding “unnecessary self-conscious behavior,” yes — but won’t you also be aware throughout that you would have stood up there with her if you liked yourself more? And won’t that also reinforce the corrosive self-hatred you’re harboring?
You are you and you have inherent beauty, and any pounds plus or minus, here or there, are just life mileage. Life mileage used to be valued before the nitpickers and narcissists took over the machinery of popular images. Do what you want regarding the wedding, but please do consider striking a one-woman blow against the tyranny of superficial values.
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May 2010: Nixing a bridesmaid for being too fat
Dear Carolyn:
So college friend A just disinvited college friend B from being a bridesmaid -- because B is fat and would ruin the pictures and the look of her big day. Friend A did tell me that if B lost some weight, she’d let her back in the wedding party.
Her rationale is that B promised to lose the weight by the wedding but didn’t, and that whenever there is a big bridesmaid everyone is looking at her and not the bride.
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