Wedding traditions aren’t right for everyone. Here, a roundup of advice from columnist Carolyn Hax to readers who want to break with custom.
Carolyn Hax: How to abandon a wedding tradition
June 2001: I don’t want dad to walk me down the aisle
I’m getting married next April. My parents have been divorced since I was 11. I’m not that close to my dad, and want to walk myself down the aisle. How do I tell him?
You resolve it in your mind that you’d rather risk hurting him than walk with him. So, is that true? Are your feelings strong enough, and justified enough, for you to put your feelings before his? I get the sense that your inability to say this to him is a sign that you’re not entirely at peace with the idea. I could be wrong, of course, and if so, you just tell him that you’re not comfortable wedging your untraditional father-daughter relationship into the standard traditional box.
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June 2002: Battle over the garter toss
Dear Carolyn:
Wedding planned for fall. Planning generally amicable, except for one issue between me and fiance -- the garter toss. He wants to do it, I object strenuously. (He’s undressing me in public, for goodness’ sake.) He seems not to get that I REALLY don’t want to do this. I’m thinking, “Who is this person, and why would I want to be married to someone so insensitive?” Mom (usually source of perspective) seems to think this is “a little cold feet,” that “everyone worries that they can truly never know everything about someone” and that “compromise is required in marriage and this is a good place to start.” Sis (also usually a good head) says, “Oh, it’s just tradition, don’t be Bridezilla.” I find it disconcerting that my dearly beloved all seem to be on one side of the fence. Am I nuts?
-- Bridezillaville?
No, though your gene pool does raise some doubts.
You compromise on a garter toss . . . how, by hucking a shoe? Never mind. It’s all beside the point -- the garter, the “tradition,” “barf,” the family’s siding against you. Even his refusal to heed your objections, though that’s but a micron off to the side. Point is, your groom is strenuously in favor of something trivial at best, patronizing at worst and always in godawful taste. He’s throwing his weight behind goo. It’s like suing a network because you don’t like the plot of a soap, or devoting weeks of free time to teaching oneself how to smoke.
I don’t know how you respect a guy after that. I also don’t know if I’m kidding.
Let’s assume I am, and he’s fine. That means he either doesn’t get that you’re serious and you need to communicate better, or that you’re right to be asking who this guy really is. Values count. Either way, you need to talk -- and since this is about who you are, the last thing you need is to cave.
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September 2000: What is this brunch business?
The post-wedding hotel brunch on Sunday is now almost de rigueur. Is there any emerging tradition for who ought to foot the bill? Is it logical to look to the groom’s family? Also, should the newlyweds feel obligated to show up, assuming they haven’t left on a honeymoon?
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