Church for single Mormons in Crystal City comes with pressure to marry

“It’s nice because there is no deadline,” said Southam, the youngest — and only one still not married — of six sisters.

Still, she was looking forward to joining hundreds of other young singles in the Outer Banks this weekend for a Mormon version of spring break, an annual gathering that provides plenty of opportunities to meet potential spouses. She said she thinks that God’s enemies are attacking the traditional family, in part by making it comfortable for people to delay marriage.

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(Marvin Joseph/WASHINGTON POST) - Spencer Whitlock and Abbey Mulliner hug at the chapel, which has a congregation made up exclusively of single people.

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As Southam spoke at the pizza party, several young men approached her to talk. There is lots of dating in the all-singles congregation, which can sometimes mean competing with a friend for a partner, she said. The way to deal with that? Prayer.

“When something doesn’t feel right, maybe that person was wrong,” she said.

A magnet for singles

Some experts believe the deep dating pool is one reason the Washington area is such a draw for Mormons. There are 50,000 to 70,000 Mormons inside the Beltway, giving the area the highest concentration of Mormons outside Utah, said William Nixon, bishop for a cluster of congregations including those at 23rd Street.

There are other theories. Some think government service reflects the patriotism of an American-founded faith; portraits of the founding fathers are sometimes hung inside churches. Others say mandatory mission work overseas means many Mormons speak foreign languages, then join the Foreign Service and wind up in Washington.

The population in the area, as with Mormons worldwide, is growing. Nixon said his cluster increases by 5 to 10 percent each year.

The Crystal City chapel, which doesn’t have a formal name, is the only one in the country devoted exclusively to adult singles worship, although there are congregations on college campuses made up largely of unmarried students. The chapel serves three congregations: two for people ages 19 to 30, and a small one for those 31 to 45.

The congregations meet separately on Sundays and together for various events during the week, including Bible study, table-tennis tournaments, dinners, lectures and other mix-and-mingle activities.

While other faiths also run programs for singles and try to encourage young people to marry, few do so by separating the unmarried from the married or by promising rewards in the afterlife.

Jared Whitley, a 33-year-old who works in defense contracting and attends services at the Crystal City chapel, said all the pressure on single Mormons can backfire.

“One of the real problems is that Mormon culture puts a lot of emphasis on going on dates and on getting married, but really not a lot on just being in a relationship,” he said. People start thinking about marriage after the first date, which “puts up too much pressure too soon, and people tend to recoil.”

Whitley is active in the older singles congregation, but he said he has become more open to dating non-Mormons, something discouraged in the church.

The church’s position on marriage is explicit, and Mormons — more than perhaps any other American faith group — tend to be very observant, which means that people who have mixed feelings about getting married tend to keep their mouths shut.

‘Marriage isn’t that great’

But there are exceptions. One divorced woman who is active in the 23rd Street chapel said she often argues against the relentless emphasis on marriage.

“I say marriage isn’t that great. I’ve done it. I say marriage is not the most important thing in this life, and some of us will not get married,” said the woman, who wasn’t comfortable being publicly identified as a marriage skeptic. “We need to stop focusing on marriage, marriage, marriage and more on Christ, because that’s what matters.”

Nevertheless, she and many Crystal City singles are spending this weekend in Corolla, N.C., where as many as 1,000 young Mormons trek each Memorial Day weekend in what has become an unsanctioned — and somewhat controversial — tradition.

Described as a wholesome version of spring break, the event is the subject of an upcoming documentary, “Duck Beach: A Single Mormon Story,” which is already the subject of intense debate among young Mormons.

Singles who wouldn’t consider having a regular roommate of the opposite sex occupy mixed-gender beach houses, where attire ranges from shorts and T-shirts to bare-it-all bikinis. Activities include beach volleyball and church.

Though several bishops have urged singles to attend, some young Mormons have refused because they consider it too much of a marriage market.

But the point of view at the country’s only adult singles chapel seems clear: Services in Crystal City on Sunday are expected to be half empty because so many people will be at the beach.