10 ways to build a long, healthy, loving relationship

What do people married for 40, 50, 60 or more years say are the ‘’trade secrets’’ to their success? Cornell gerontologist and author of 30 Lessons for Living, Karl Pillemer, interviewed nearly 1,000 of elder Americans for their advice. Here are 10 tips to ponder this Valentine’s Day.

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Choose carefully

Marriage is perhaps the biggest decision any of us make. The elder view: Many people are simply not careful enough. Don't fall or drift into marriage without waiting until you know one another and you understand your reasons for getting married. Avoid making a commitment based on passion, inertia or panic at being left single.

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Keep an eye out for anger

The elders had trouble saying exactly what you should look for in a possible mate, but they are clear on who to avoid: Someone with bursts of unreasonable and disproportionate anger, even if it's not directed toward you. Many elders whose relationships failed say that they ignored a partner's uncontrollable anger toward others, only to find it directed toward them later on.

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Friendship is as important as romantic love

Most of the elders recommend that you marry someone who is also your good friend, who you enjoy being with. As one elder put it, "Your mate should be that kid you would have most wanted to play with on the playground in grade school."

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Don't keep score

Marriage is a give-and-take proposition, and sometimes circumstances will call for one partner to give more than the other. Happy couples don't expect things to balance out every day (or month, or year). They understand that at times you may be giving 90 percent and receiving 10 percent; other times your partner is in that role.

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Talk to each other

Communication is absolutely the key to keeping a marriage on the right track. The elders say that the "strong silent type" may be attractive and mysterious, but if he or she stays clammed up about important issues, the relationship is probably doomed.

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Be polite

In long marriages, people have learned the value of simple civility. They point out that we often talk to our spouses in ways we'd never talk to friends or co-workers: dismissively, insultingly or disrespectfully. Simple politeness in spousal interaction, they say, can prevent many a spat or tiff.

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Commit to marriage, not just your partner

The elders confirm that all marriages go through tough times, but they stayed together through them because they took a vow and they respected the institution of marriage. This commitment forced them to work things out and come out better on the other side.

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Don't think you can change them

Many people take a leap of faith, assuming they can change a partner's flaws after marriage. The elders basically think those people are idiots. Elder wisdom says that getting into a marriage with the goal of changing one's partner is a fool's errand, one that will doom the relationship from the start. If she's always late or if he drinks a little too much, be sure you can accept it for a lifetime.

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Find someone a lot like you

Although we often say that opposites attract, over time fundamental differences can wear on a marriage. The elders say that you can have differences in backgrounds, but truly necessary are shared values. Check early on if your values on core issues (think money, sex, kids, religion, and work) are closely aligned.

Hasan Jamali / AP

Don't go to bed angry

It may be the biggest cliché around, but long-married people swear by it. Arguments should not be carried into the intimate space of the bed, and they are much more hurtful if they roll into another day. Wrap it up, agree to disagree or decide on another time to fight. And even if anger is still there, the elders suggest a caring gesture before going to sleep that conveys, "I may not like you much right now, but I still love you."

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