When a college grad moves back into the family home

Although it was 14 years ago, I still clearly remember how conflicted I felt when I returned home after college graduation — drunk on accomplishment and freedom and, well, just kinda drunk — and moved straight back into my rose-pink childhood bedroom, complete with ruffled sheets and doll collection: I was deflated, to be sure, but also slightly relieved not to have to take on the real world, quite yet.

At that time, moving back in with Mom and Dad was a bit of a novelty. These days, it’s practically a rite of passage for the so-called Boomerang Generation: According to one poll, roughly 85 percent of the class of 2011 will be living at home for some period of time, thanks in part to historic levels of unemployment for those younger than 25, plummeting starting salaries for those who do find jobs and record-high student debt.

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Having a grown child move back home can test even the strongest of relationships, but it doesn’t have to do so, says Linda Perlman Gordon, a Chevy Chase psychotherapist whose daughter and son each lived with her briefly post-college.

“This is a great time to reinvent your parenting and redefine your relationship [with a child] for the future, and I think it can be a really wonderful experience, as long as you use the opportunity to help your kids launch themselves, as opposed to coddling them and eroding their self-esteem,” says Gordon, the co-author of “Mom, Can I Move Back in With You? A Survival Guide for Parents of Twentysomethings.”

As those graduating college seniors head home, she offers some tips for approaching the situation with the right mind-set and maintaining as positive and stress-free a rapport as possible:

•  Set new ground rules to meet the changing needs of an emerging adult. Discuss and establish clear expectations for household responsibilities, curfew, dating, family dinners and the like. Respect your 20-something’s privacy, and also remember to care for yourself by determining your own boundaries and then sharing them with your child.

•  Steer clear of old patterns. You no longer need to make your son’s dinner or keep tabs on your daughter’s comings and goings. Don’t over-parent; coach your grown child rather than doing for her and fixing every problem, which will only undermine self-confidence.

•  Focus on financial independence, but have reasonable expectations for your child based on today’s economic reality. Assuming that he isn’t out blowing all of his savings at bars or sleeping in until 3 p.m. every day, ignore the conventional pressure to charge your 20-something rent. Instead, emphasize saving money, spending on needs, not wants, and occasionally contributing to specific household expenses, such as groceries. An end goal of moving out can be helpful, but, if possible, let circumstances rather than an arbitrary timetable determine how long he or she will live at home.

•  Relish this “bonus time.” Relationships with adult children often become more mutually rewarding. Not only can you enjoy each other, but you can also depend on each other.