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Lives rearranged by a 9/11 loss

Ten years after the Sept. 11 attack on the Pentagon, a family that lost its patriarch is still trying to find its new normal.

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Anthony Tolbert goofs off with his sister Amanda at their home in Clovis, Calif. Their father, Lt. Cmdr. Otis Vincent Tolbert, a Navy intelligence officer, had been studying satellite images at the Pentagon when he was killed on Sept. 11, 2001.

Bonnie Jo Mount / The Washington Post

Shari Tolbert gives daughter Brittany a snack while older daughter Amanda watches. Brittany, who was born three months early and with cerebral palsy, was 7 when her father was killed and already had undergone many brain surgeries. She had long worried about arriving in heaven alone, so Shari explained that now Brittany's father would be waiting for her.

Shari Tolbert gives daughter Brittany a snack while older daughter Amanda watches. Brittany, who was born three months early and with cerebral palsy, was 7 when her father was killed and already had undergone many brain surgeries. She had long worried about arriving in heaven alone, so Shari explained that now Brittany's father would be waiting for her.

Bonnie Jo Mount / The Washington Post

A Defense of Freedom medal is among the photos, awards and mementos that fill a display case honoring Vince Tolbert in the family's home.

A Defense of Freedom medal is among the photos, awards and mementos that fill a display case honoring Vince Tolbert in the family's home.

Bonnie Jo Mount / The Washington Post

After Vince Tolbert, in photo, was killed, his wife moved their family to Clovis, Calif., so they could be closer to his brothers and parents.

After Vince Tolbert, in photo, was killed, his wife moved their family to Clovis, Calif., so they could be closer to his brothers and parents.

Family photo

Anthony and Amanda Tolbert watch a movie with their mother at home. Jerseys that their father, Vince Tolbert, wore when he played high school and college football in Fresno hang on the wall above them.

Anthony and Amanda Tolbert watch a movie with their mother at home. Jerseys that their father, Vince Tolbert, wore when he played high school and college football in Fresno hang on the wall above them.

Bonnie Jo Mount / The Washington Post

Amanda, Anthony and Shari Tolbert entertain friends at their home. “Where do you draw the line between remembering and trying to live our lives?” Shari has wondered.

Amanda, Anthony and Shari Tolbert entertain friends at their home. “Where do you draw the line between remembering and trying to live our lives?” Shari has wondered.

Bonnie Jo Mount / The Washington Post

Anthony, shown practicing the guitar at home, was a toddler when his father was killed.

Anthony, shown practicing the guitar at home, was a toddler when his father was killed.

Bonnie Jo Mount / The Washington Post

Anthony, Amanda, Shari and Brittany Tolbert shown outside the family's house. Brittany, who has cerebral palsy, lives in a group home.

Anthony, Amanda, Shari and Brittany Tolbert shown outside the family's house. Brittany, who has cerebral palsy, lives in a group home.

Bonnie Jo Mount / The Washington Post

Shari Tolbert makes working out a priority so that she can continue to lift and care for daughter Brittany, who has cerebral palsy.

Shari Tolbert makes working out a priority so that she can continue to lift and care for daughter Brittany, who has cerebral palsy.

Bonnie Jo Mount / The Washington Post

Shari and daughter Amanda work out with Morell Ollis, a personal trainer.

Shari and daughter Amanda work out with Morell Ollis, a personal trainer.

Bonnie Jo Mount / The Washington Post

Shari takes a break while her children Anthony and Amanda spend time on their computers. Amanda is majoring in Arabic at Georgetown University. She wanted to live in the city where her father died, study his profession and, one day, work in a Florida counterterrorism building that has been dedicated in his name.

Shari takes a break while her children Anthony and Amanda spend time on their computers. Amanda is majoring in Arabic at Georgetown University. She wanted to live in the city where her father died, study his profession and, one day, work in a Florida counterterrorism building that has been dedicated in his name.

Bonnie Jo Mount / The Washington Post

Anthony, who enjoys playing electronic games, became obsessed with airplanes a few years after his father’s death and now wants to become a pilot, like his father and grandfather.

Anthony, who enjoys playing electronic games, became obsessed with airplanes a few years after his father’s death and now wants to become a pilot, like his father and grandfather.

Bonnie Jo Mount / The Washington Post

Shari and Amanda chat at the kitchen table while Anthony tries to entertain them by wearing swim goggles while swatting flies.

Shari and Amanda chat at the kitchen table while Anthony tries to entertain them by wearing swim goggles while swatting flies.

Bonnie Jo Mount / The Washington Post

From left: Julie Souza, Amanda Tolbert, Anthony Tolbert and Tim Souza hang out in Amanda's room while she practices Arabic.

From left: Julie Souza, Amanda Tolbert, Anthony Tolbert and Tim Souza hang out in Amanda's room while she practices Arabic.

Bonnie Jo Mount / The Washington Post

The Tolberts' friends and relatives play in the backyard pool.

The Tolberts' friends and relatives play in the backyard pool.

Bonnie Jo Mount / The Washington Post

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